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THORN: Six-word memoirs leave book lover speechless

By Patti Thorn, Rocky Mountain News (Contact)

Published January 23, 2009 at 3:05 p.m.

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I'll keep this short, I promise.

You probably won't read to the end, anyway.

At least, that's what's been pounded into my head ever since USA Today hit the newsstands, peddling stories so sliced and diced you'd think its editors all had Ginsu knives in their desk drawers.

It was a new day, the paper announced. Readers weren't interested in long narrative expositions anymore. They craved short articles. Nothing but the essentials. Add a few maps. A few info boxes. And voila! News in digestible bites.

Papers everywhere followed suit, leaving writers a bit queasy at what had been left out of the meal.

"But," I would stammer to my editors, after trying to sum up a story on, say, a woman's traumatic rape in the amount of space blogger Perez Hilton uses to report on Matt Dillon's latest speeding ticket. Like an addict, I begged: "Just a few. More. Inches."

Never let it be said editors are enablers. They cut me off with the patronizing smile and sad little nod normally reserved for psychiatric patients. Cruel masters!

I've adjusted since then. (Well, if you don't count the gnawed fingernails and lost patches of hair.) But now comes a book series that strikes fear in my heart: Six-Word Memoirs.

You heard me: six words.

There are those of us, ahem, who think it's impossible to sum up a life in fewer words than you would use to address an envelope. But the editors of these books beg to differ.

"When Ernest Hemingway famously wrote 'For Sale: baby shoes, never worn,' " they note in the introduction of their latest offering, "he proved that an entire story can be told using a half-dozen words."

Thus, they first released Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six-Word Memoirs by Writers Famous and Obscure. Including tidbits from authors such as Chuck Klosterman and Amy Sedaris, the book proved so popular it landed on the best-seller list for (coincidentally) six weeks.

Now comes a follow-up, Six-Word Memoirs on Love & Heartbreak by Writers Famous and Obscure (Harper Perennial, $10).

Let me say up front that I wasn't proud of my first reaction when this book crossed my desk. "Wow!" I thought, "it's so short! I can read this during commercial breaks of 24" - proving that those ADD editors had a point. Short can be seductive. The book is small enough to fit in your pocket, so slight it can't even qualify as a bathroom book. You'll finish it before your butt ever touches the toilet seat.

It parses out love - and love-gone-wrong - stories from mostly "obscure" writers in split-second sprints.

Thus, we read about:

* The ties that bind: "Found soul mate. Became cell mate."

* Relationship rage-a-holics: "He punched my car. The End."

* How every couple can inspire a copyright: "He lied, cheated, left; best-selling memoir."

We also learn that bitterness is as common as candy hearts on Valentine's Day ( "Love almost always leads to heartbreak"; "Gave my heart; lost a friend"; "I should have seen him coming.")

You have to admire the authors' skill at parsing their words. And who can argue that attempting to distill an idea to its essence isn't a worthy exercise? The idea has even sparked something of a trend, according to the book's editors at SMITH Magazine, where the concept originated.

Since the release of the first book, teachers have been assigning six-word storytelling projects to their students, note the editors. A North Carolina reverend issued six-word prayers to his congregation. And a young girl in California even ended her poker-loving grandmother's eulogy in six easy pieces, summing up the woman's life as: "Look, I have a royal flush!"

Which is all well and good (aside from the fact that Grandma might have appreciated a little more poetry before being planted). But am I the only one still ravenous after reading these snack stories? I'm dying to know:

* Did the rager dude break his hand when he punched his girlfriend's car? What made him so angry? Was he actually going for her head?

* Did poker-playing Granny die when her heart stopped after she'd been dealt a particularly awesome hand? Was she stealing money from her widow friends to finance her card habit?

* And just try to tell me you wouldn't kill for more than six measly words on this one: "Monogamists meet at sex party, marry."

Note to editors: Short is sweet, but what's left out can be even more savory.

You might enjoy this book, if you're looking for something to skim while standing in line at the grocery or waiting for the latest YouTube curiosity to load on your laptop. As for me, I can only pray that this six-word thing doesn't catch on in the news business. Just imagine my fingernails.

Still, I'm willing to give the writing challenge a try just once, if only to prove I can do it. In conclusion, allow me to sum up the strength of this piece in the allotted skimpy sentence:

I kept it short, didn't I?

Keeping it short

Selections from Six-Word Memoirs on Love & Heartbreak by Writers Famous & Obscure:

* Erica Jong: "Much married, fourth time is charmed."

* Armistead Maupin: "He still needs me at sixty- four."

* Lindsay Ross: "Worried the dog liked him better."

* Jonathan Ames: "It's like my heart has sciatica."

* Dr. Drew Pinsky: "People can't want what they want."

* Maryanne Stahl: "Married for sex; divorced for politics."

Write your own

* We want to read your six-word memoir on love and heartbreak. If it's good enough, it could appear in a future edition of the Rocky. Send it to Patti Thorn via e-mail at thornp@RockyMountainNews.com

Comments

  • January 23, 2009

    3:51 p.m.

    Suggest removal

    RachelFershleiser writes:

    Brilliant brevity or too little info? Decide for yourself! Come see us at The Tattered Cover bookstore on Tuesday, January 27th to hear more about the project and participate in a six-word memoir slam!

  • January 23, 2009

    4:11 p.m.

    Suggest removal

    aktom writes:

    too late, I learned, time wasted

  • January 24, 2009

    7:36 a.m.

    Suggest removal

    JohnSWren writes:

    Traditional marrage:
    You first, me last, we always.

    Modern "marrage":
    Me first, you free, no we.

  • January 24, 2009

    9:34 a.m.

    Suggest removal

    Colorado_Bill writes:

    Too soon old; too late smart.

  • January 24, 2009

    10:12 a.m.

    Suggest removal

    lmichii writes:

    Love on rocks; she preferred boat

  • January 25, 2009

    5:03 p.m.

    Suggest removal

    missmilehi writes:

    Lovin' this life more each day!

  • January 25, 2009

    5:25 p.m.

    Suggest removal

    missmilehi writes:

    Also:

    I can't help falling in love...

  • January 25, 2009

    7:09 p.m.

    Suggest removal

    Classof65 writes:

    Ex-hippie marries ex-soldier, finds true love.

    or

    We should have met decades sooner.