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Working mom = bad mom? The debate rages on and on

By Marty Meitus, Rocky Mountain News (Contact)

Published September 19, 2008 at 3 p.m.

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One time many years ago, I raced across town from my job in the middle of the day so I could watch my daughter play a rock in a school play. I was late, as usual, and drove like Batwoman, but hey, it's not every day your daughter has the starring role in a play about what happened to the dinosaurs.

(OK, now that I think about it, I bet she was a meteor. The details are a little fuzzy. She was gray and curled up on the floor, and obviously there was no mother/ scriptwriter, because she didn't get to say anything like "whoosh" or "look out below.")

At the time, I was vaulting across town because the newspaper wouldn't allow me to work part time. When I was pregnant, I presented a proposal for various work options and the then-editor glanced through them and said - and I'll never forget this - "no, no and no." It was so warm and fuzzy.

Within five years or so - and despite Mr. Warm and Fuzzy - the landscape had changed. There were more options and more flexibility, and by then, the economy was starting to go south and more women needed to work, but still the debate raged on.

And hey, what about those dads? Why weren't they staying home?

You'd think 25 years would be long enough to tackle the topic, but nooooo. Thanks to Sarah Palin and crew, the finger-pointing has begun all over again. It's like little kids in a schoolyard:

"You're a bad mom." "No, you're a bad mom." "Am not." "Are too. And so's Barack Obama. He's a bad dad."

And so it goes. The Today show even trotted out two authors on the subject, real-life experts on working moms, to discuss the "should you" and "shouldn't you," even though, interestingly, one of them doesn't have any kids. Again, it degenerated into some loud talking at each other as each tried to point out where her statistics were the right ones and they wandered among the minefields of working moms and personal fulfillment, which, as we know, is what good parenting is all about.

Obviously, I'm still in the business. But all those years ago, I made my decision the way a lot of decisions get made, based on sheer stupidity. At the ripe ol' age of 30, I had to say to myself: "Self, what do you think will happen? Will you be able to jump back into the job market someday? Do you want to stay home and take your chances?"

I didn't know the first thing about juggling working and momhood. I didn't know it was possible to drive halfway across town not once, not twice, but three times in the same day for a tennis lesson and/or a lacrosse game. I certainly didn't know anything about staying home. Heck, I didn't even know back then that the PTA had become the PTO.

Because the kiddies are mostly grown now, I can look back and say no one has any of the answers, so they should just shut up. Working and motherhood is hard; staying home and motherhood is hard, and it's not a contest.

Life is all about choice and doing what you have to do. And any parents who think their children turned out well because of their choices, think again. It's more like they turned out well despite their choices.

Did I make the right decision? Some years after the dinosaur play, my daughter turned to me and said, "How come you never came to anything at school?"

I took a deep breath and counted to 10 so that I wouldn't show my little meteor what really happened to those dinosaurs.

Comments

  • September 20, 2008

    10:50 a.m.

    Suggest removal

    raysmom writes:

    Sexism is alive and well, apparently- towards MEN! Why is it always the woman's choice to make the work decision? I watched a video of the Palins at home that was taken by an Alaskan videographer when Mrs. Palin was pregnant with her son, Trig, and I was very impressed by the way they work together at home, and at Mr. Palin's comfort level with domestic responsiblities! He made it to 3 school functions in one day, relishing his role. As Mrs. Palin said to the camera- it's not strange, or it shouldn't be- he loves being a Dad as much as I love being a Mom!

    I have been both- a working Mom and a stay at home Mom. Financially, since we could only afford one further education, it behooves us for me to stay at home and support my husband's business that developed from his education. I personally love it, but I never had a big career opportunity, either. I just think it shouldn't be an issue, or anybody else's business how people choose to live their family lives.