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DANBOM: We now return to our scheduled glut of campaign commercials

By Dan Danbom, Special to the Rocky

Published October 7, 2008 at 12:01 a.m.

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It must have come as disappointing news to television connoisseurs, eager to devour a new season of whatever it is they devour, that political ads have sucked up all available “inventory,” which is television ad-speak for “the time we can sell to advertisers that isn’t interrupted by programs.”

We have races for president, Senate and Congress and, I believe, 168 ballot initiatives. The persons running these campaigns are feverishly desperate to impugn whomever or whatever they are running against, so they want to communicate with us nonstop. That way, we will pick the lying, flip-flopping, inept, corrupt, hypocritical fraud who best reflects our values, and we will vote for the ballot measure that will determine whether our homes will be given to gypsies.

But the people who would rather watch “Lost” than “loser” should be grateful. They should be grateful that the style of political advertising that works so effectively to influence our votes hasn’t seeped into the commercial world to influence our purchases.

I can imagine an ad sponsored by Volvo showing a horrible car wreck, while a baritone-voiced narrator says, “10,000 people died in Fords last year. Call Ford and tell them to stop killing people.”

Or a black-and-white ad (do you notice that the ads always portray the opponents in sinister-looking black and white?) with this message: “McDonald’s. For trans-fats before they were against them.” “Tell Tom Shane that he’s no friend in the diamond business. I’m Jared and I approve this message.”

“Family Dentistry: Drill, baby, drill.”

“I served with Captain Crunch. Captain Crunch didn’t deserve those medals.”

“Only Taco Bell is working to lower the price of gas.”

Of course, the big difference in political ads and commercial ads is that political ads are mostly negative, and commercial ads are mostly positive. For example, Lowe’s constructively suggests “let’s build something together,” and Home Depot says, “You can do it. We can help.” If political advertisers worked at Home Depot, it would be, “Call Lowe’s and tell them to clean up the spill in Aisle 3,” and if they worked for Lowe’s, it would be, “Home Depot says they can help. Is that what they call self-checkout?”

Frankly, I’m a political junkie, and I like political ads because they at least affect me. If they are by my candidate or groups friendly to my candidate, I pump my fist in the air and say, “Yes!” and if they are by candidates I despise, I scream obscenities that rouse the dog from her sleep and keep solicitors away.

I’m glad we live in a society where “Grey’s Anatomy” shares time with McCain’s face, and where “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” will be answered on November 4. After that, we will have only our regularly scheduled programming to return to.

Dan Danbom is a Denver resident.

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