'Forgiveness is essential'

For Christians, it's a virtue that is at the heart of Easter

By Jean Torkelson, Rocky Mountain News (Contact)

Friday, March 21, 2008

Barry Gutierrez / The Rocky

Charlie Blanch, 22, pictured at the Youth With A Mission offices in Arvada, was shot in the leg when a gunman invaded, killing two and injuring two.

Barry Gutierrez / The Rocky

A scar on Blanch's calf is a permanent reminder of the 9mm bullet that passed through it in the Dec. 9 attack.

Javier Manzano / The Rocky

Damita Murrell and her mother, Laura Paden, have found their way to forgive the 19-year-old youth who shot and killed their son and grandson, 26-year-old Ronnelle Murrell, seen in the photo at left, in 2005.

Barry Gutierrez / The Rocky

Shelley kisses Jason who kisses 3-month-old Truman, the newest addition to the Martinkus family, at their home in Highlands Ranch.

Forgiveness: It sounds so good.

Every day, ordinary people do it. Crushed by crime, betrayals, infidelity - they forgive.

Others look at them, amazed, puzzled, angered.

How could they?

For Christians, forgiveness is at the heart of Easter, which this Sunday celebrates Jesus Christ's resurrection from the dead. Scripture records one of history's most famous acts of forgiveness when the dying Jesus said: "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

What is forgiveness? Aren't you letting wrongdoers off the hook?

"The way I understand the Gospel, forgiveness is essential to moving on," says Peter Warren, head of Youth With A Mission-Denver. On Dec. 9, the Christian group was at the center of one of Colorado's most horrific crimes, when a disaffected former member, Matthew Murray, killed two missionaries and wounded two more, before continuing his deadly spree at New Life Church in Colorado Springs.

Warren led the group in healing sessions and also in forgiving Murray, who killed himself that day.

"Forgiveness isn't just a feeling, it's an action," Warren says. "It doesn't mean you're not struggling with anger and stuff."

"Even if a person is unrepentant, you can forgive," he says. "It's the essence of love - stepping beyond the person who did the wrong and handing it over to God. You have to trust God that he's going to do the right thing. Forgiveness becomes a powerful miracle that God does."

Here, on Good Friday, are three stories of forgiveness. The remarks of those telling them have been edited for space and clarity.

Man's secret life puts wife to painful test

Jason Martinkus held a terrible secret when he married Shelley in 2000. A pornography obsession that began when he was a teenager had escalated to include online chat rooms and sexual encounters. As part of a deeply Christian couple, Jason hoped marriage would cure him. But it wasn't that easy.

Today, Jason, 30, is a psychotherapist specializing in sexual addiction. Shelley, 31, helps wives facing similar circumstances.

SHELLEY: When we got married I had no clue. I had saved myself sexually for marriage. The first couple of years, I knew something wasn't right. I didn't feel completely connected to Jason.

Two years into marriage, Jason confessed to almost having an affair. He says he did it to avoid the real truth, that he was living a secret life of pornography and random encounters. Shelley struggled to forgive. She didn't know something worse was ahead.

SHELLEY: I had so much bitterness and resentment in my heart because he almost had an affair! I thought, "Jesus died on the cross for me and forgives me on a daily basis, but I can't forgive my husband." This isn't good.

JASON: Nobody had any idea of my secret life. I thought, "If I tell the truth, she'll leave." I was at the point of suicide. I prayed to God thousands of times, but this time I literally fell into the bottom of the shower in a puddle of vomit and soapy water. I said, "God, I don't care what it costs me, I have to have you back in my life."

That was the turning point. Later that week during a long car ride, Jason told her everything.

SHELLEY: My heart hurt. But in a way, I was relieved to know the full story . . . We went to a counselor and one of the most important things he told me was, "Feel whatever you need to feel," whether it's sad one day, or angry, or a great love for Jason. That was very freeing. That was the start of my journey to forgiveness.

For that year, I had moments of love and moments of hatred. I think I was grieving the loss of what I thought I had. With grief, the anger comes. I did not want to divorce, but I totally kept that option open. If I can't trust you . . .

It was about a year later when I truly forgave Jason. I just knew it was time. I could choose to be bitter and carry that in my heart, or I could choose to forgive him. Honestly, it was a leap of faith. I was giving up some control. I was definitely tempted to hold on to that bitterness and resentment.

JASON: Shelley's forgiveness opened the door for forgiving myself. But it's tough. And it's ongoing. Now I'm telling my story more often and helping other guys.

But sometimes I sit there and think, "God, I'm such a jerk." Then I think, "No, I'm forgiven."

And I have strong men around me saying, "That's the past. You're a different man today." That's helped me as well. Today, marriage is better than I ever expected. This person knows my darkest secrets and still loves me.

SHELLEY: It's refreshing to be real with someone. I feel blessed to have Jason as my husband. Forgiveness is not black and white. It's only through God that we forgive. It's not something we as humans can wrap our minds around. It's almost supernatural.

'Somebody has to forgive this little boy'

When Ronnelle Murrell, 26, was killed by a rival gang member in 2005, his mother, Damita Murrell, and grandmother, Laura Paden, embraced forgiveness in many forms, spiritual and personal.

MURRELL: My son wasn't an angel. There's no sense coloring it or glossing it or making your story untrue. One reason why we found it so easy to forgive is, we have faith in God, and two, some of this was not avoidable.

PADEN: What made it more hurtful, Ronnelle had started working in the church, had been baptized and was making a turn for the better. He had a compassionate heart which contradicted his lifestyle. But that lifestyle is not an instant walkaway, ever.

We were quite close. The night he was shot, the nurse called from the hospital and we were able to talk to him. He said, "I'm sorry for some of the things I've done, Grandma, but God has a plan for me. I've always told you that."

I said, "I don't think this is it." He kind of chuckled and said, "Now I probably won't get to find out."

In court, before I knew the killer, my prayer was I would be able to forgive whoever. But when I saw him, it was a child-man, and I knew that his life would never, ever be the same again. I said, "Lord have mercy, Jesus, somebody has to forgive this little boy."

MURRELL: We went to court expecting to see this hardened, typical gang member, and he was just a little kid. When we walked out, all I could think of to do was hug his mom because "There, but for the grace of God, go I."

I had to forgive myself because as a parent, when you have a child involved in gang life, you think about the decisions you made and whether you pushed him there. Maybe I shouldn't have dated this guy or that guy? How different would life be if I stayed home more?

I prayed on it. I said, "Lord, forgive me for the things I've done." And God said, "Your pages are already written." I'm not saying God condoned anything, I just think there's a reason; maybe God just had to wake me up. I still have three other sons.

Should he spend life in prison? That's a hard question. By forgiveness I'm not saying let bygones be bygones. There should be some punishment. I just don't think he's going to be a threat forever. Life in prison, that's almost a sentence of death to me.

PADEN: When you forgive, it doesn't mean you sit down at the dinner table with them, but you walk on another level. The difference is, if I hadn't forgiven him, the anger and stewing and eating up inside would be a torment to me.

Don't misunderstand - it's not like on TV where somebody just walks in the room and says, "I forgive you." I'm using forgiveness in the biblical sense.

For people who can't forgive, I would advise them to go to the Lord's Prayer: If you want to be forgiven, you have to forgive. The fact you have forgiven is what keeps you going.

Holding grudge slows you down, victim says

Charlie Blanch, 22, was one of four young church leaders shot Dec. 9 by Matthew Murray at the Youth With A Mission campus in Arvada. Blanch has recovered from a leg wound.

Before December 9th, I was talking to a student. We got to know each other and he was looking kind of upset about something and I said, "Dude, can I ask you what's going on?"

He basically said, "I'm having a really hard time forgiving this person." This guy killed some of his friends. He was like, "I can't forgive that." I didn't know what to say because I'd never been through anything like that.

After December 9th, I thought about it some more and I realized the reason Matthew Murray shot us, I think, is because he had unforgiveness toward us.

In one perspective it's the same Satan who tempts me not to forgive Matthew who tempted Matthew to kill my friends. If I can't forgive Matthew, that's in the same category - both are sins.

Whenever somebody does anything that requires forgiveness, I try to see them the way God called them to be. It's easier to forgive them that way. You're not forgiving the evil, you're forgiving the person.

I didn't ever get to know Matthew, but I'm sure he was a lovable person even if he sounded like he had some really weird quirks about him.

But you're forgiving the lovable person, not their unlovable actions. That wasn't who God created Matthew to be. He was definitely meant to impact the world in a much more positive way.

You always think of the what-ifs. I would have done anything to stop him, even if that meant to harm him - just to stop the action.

They've had counselors in to see us. They say I'm on the right track. Maybe a lot of that has to do with forgiveness. When you can forgive somebody, it takes a burden off your life. When you hold a grudge, it slows you down.

My advice for people who find it hard to forgive? I don't know. At one point I said to the student whose friends were murdered, "If you don't forgive, it's not like you're doing anything to punish them. It's not like you're teaching them a lesson. You're just keeping it on yourself, throwing the burden on yourself."

This is important to add: I need to be close with God. That's what we're created for. I need God. Unforgiveness would hinder that.