'Celebrity Rehab' reunion should be interesting

By Lisa Bornstein, Rocky Mountain News (Contact)

Monday, March 10, 2008

Is there a 12-step program for those who watch reality TV? Where we toss away our excuses ("It was the strike - I couldn't watch that episode of The Office a third time") and admit that we are powerless over the spectre of people whose names we shouldn't know debasing themselves while we eat takeout in our underwear?

Is there an eighth step, where we make amends to those who have suffered through conversation littered with references to these exhibitions of humiliation, references rationalized with "I just watched it while I was waiting for The Daily Show to come on"?

And if there is, will VH1 offer me a free bed and rehab services in exchange for the remaining drops of dignity coursing through my veins?

That often seemed the case for the nine participants in Celebrity Rehab, the addictive, disturbing and occasionally moving show the cable network aired this winter.

With seven of the people graduated, three promising to go into sober living, two leaving the program and one since arrested, the reunion show Thursday (8 p.m., VH1) should be intriguing - all the more so for the absences of Daniel Baldwin (he of the pervy text messages) and Jessica Sierra (who, following a December arrest, didn't attend for legal reasons).

Here, to catch you up to speed before they reunite, a look back, at the good, the bad and the disturbing.

The good

* Who knew Mary Carey would be such an endearing, damaged, fragile soul? The video of her vomiting out a car window was horrifying, as was that of her arrival at rehab; it made greater the sweet-faced, fresh-scrubbed young woman who left. The moments waiting for her to decide on whether or not to go into sober living were some of the most tension-filled of the show.

* You wanna tear Brigitte Nielsen to pieces for being a colossal example of a fame addict who hasn't really done anything. And then she has the nerve to show up as the voice of reason in every situation, mothering the younger women and taking her own sobriety seriously.

* Dr. Drew in a black T shirt. It wasn't enough for him to be the heroic, straight-talking psychiatrist from Loveline - then he had to go and be buff to boot.

* Despite the cameras, the show gave a glimpse into rehab. The usual support systems of cell phones and paparazzi were unavailable, and the rules relatively inflexible. And drug counselor Shelley was a magnificent bit of unwavering toughness.

The bad

* I, too, have been suckered by Daniel Baldwin. Weeks spent thinking he was the healthiest guy on the show, piercing armor with truth. And sending photos of (presumably) his manhood to porn star Mary Carey. Way to pick the person with the most sexual vulnerability. I wish you were going to be on the reunion, just to see the rest of the cast devour your carcass.

* Less than three weeks in rehab? Surrounded by other cosseted folk and outings like a trip to Catalina and a golf course? And that was supposed to stick?

The disturbing:

* There's another addiction at play here, one that was stoked in rehab rather than being treated. What makes a person go on a show exposing their DTs, their withdrawal, their stories of childhood molestation? The desire to do better for the world? The free rehab? (Surely they could have done a Surreal Life to sock away the cash.)

No, it's a complete addiction to cameras. That's why at least half of them allowed themselves to be filmed in utterly depraved, pathetic states of waste, why most of them have done previous reality shows and why they allowed cameras to follow them through what should be the most searing, transformative experience available. All which would have been OK, had Dr. Drew once addressed their fame habit.

The problem is, in this instance, the good doctor - and Drew, my love, it pains me to say this - may be a junkie himself.

Island karma

"The tribe picked Chet. Over me. A little bit humiliating. Insulting. . . . It's just very, very confusing. I'm angry, I think I'd like to wring a couple people's necks right now."

Arizona firefighter Joel Anderson, who became the fifth castaway voted off of Survivor: Micronesia. Anderson was the most physically imposing member of his tribe, while Chet has been one of the most pathetic contestants in the history of the show.

Incoming!

Several returning reality programs are premiering their new seasons this week:

* Top Chef: Chicago (8 p.m. today, Bravo) - Fifteen up-and-coming culinary whiz kids gather in the Second City to see who is top dog for the fourth season of Bravo's reality staple.

* Flip This House (9 p.m. Saturday, A&E) - Now it gets interesting: Let's see these homeflippers make some money with a housing slump and mortgage pinch. It's gonna take more than some new linoleum. The show starts off in San Antonio again before moving on to Atlanta, Los Angeles and Connecticut.

* Dancing With The Stars (7 p.m. Monday, Denver's 7) - Season six features a few bona fide stars, but back-to-back champ Julianne Hough faces her biggest challenge yet because she has been paired with alleged funnyman Adam Carolla.

* The Bachelor (8:30 p.m. Monday, Denver's 7) - What, are single American men no longer worthy? For the 12th edition, producers lined up London businessman Matt Grant to pick an incompatible mate.

Idol chatter

Did you hear that last night? Was it just our imagination or did that guy's voice sound like grandma grinding gears in the old Vega? Hear what Mike Pearson - who writes our American Idol blog - says about Tuesday's performances when he chats online at 11 a.m. today at RockyMountainNews.com