'It's me in a different way'

By Jeff Kass, Rocky Mountain News (Contact)

Originally published 12:30 a.m., March 1, 2008
Updated 03:13 a.m., March 1, 2008

Matt McClain / The Rocky

Melaina writes a message on a balloon Wednesday as she prepares to invite a boy to a school dance. Her friends have been supportive, encouraging her to ask boys out.

Matt McClain / The Rocky

Lacey Turner, 17, left, high-fives Melaina as Kileen Willis, 15, looks on during an event at Zion Lutheran Church in Loveland to encourage teenagers to be open with their feelings.

Matt McClain / The Rocky

Melaina's mother, Michelle Benzor-Marquez, serves dinner at the family's home in Loveland. "I had to come out and say, 'My daughter is transgender,' " Benzor-Marquez recalls telling the school principal in 2006. It was a big step toward acknowledging her daughter's situation.

Matt McClain / The Rocky

Melaina Marquez, 15, fixes her hair in her Loveland home Tuesday as she gets ready for school. She was born a boy but has lived as a girl since eighth grade.

Matt McClain / The Rocky

Melaina writes a message on a balloon Wednesday as she prepares to invite a boy to a school dance. Her friends have been supportive, encouraging her to ask boys out.

Matt McClain / The Rocky

Lacey Turner, 17, left, high-fives Melaina as Kileen Willis, 15, looks on during an event at Zion Lutheran Church in Loveland to encourage teenagers to be open with their feelings.

Matt McClain / The Rocky

Melaina's mother, Michelle Benzor-Marquez, serves dinner at the family's home in Loveland. "I had to come out and say, 'My daughter is transgender,' " Benzor-Marquez recalls telling the school principal in 2006. It was a big step toward acknowledging her daughter's situation.

Matt McClain / The Rocky

Melaina Marquez, 15, fixes her hair in her Loveland home Tuesday as she gets ready for school. She was born a boy but has lived as a girl since eighth grade.

Matt McClain / The Rocky

Melaina writes a message on a balloon Wednesday as she prepares to invite a boy to a school dance. Her friends have been supportive, encouraging her to ask boys out.

Matt McClain / The Rocky

Lacey Turner, 17, left, high-fives Melaina as Kileen Willis, 15, looks on during an event at Zion Lutheran Church in Loveland to encourage teenagers to be open with their feelings.

Matt McClain / The Rocky

Melaina's mother, Michelle Benzor-Marquez, serves dinner at the family's home in Loveland. "I had to come out and say, 'My daughter is transgender,' " Benzor-Marquez recalls telling the school principal in 2006. It was a big step toward acknowledging her daughter's situation.

Matt McClain / The Rocky

Melaina Marquez, 15, fixes her hair in her Loveland home Tuesday as she gets ready for school. She was born a boy but has lived as a girl since eighth grade.

Matt McClain / The Rocky

Melaina writes a message on a balloon Wednesday as she prepares to invite a boy to a school dance. Her friends have been supportive, encouraging her to ask boys out.

Matt McClain / The Rocky

Lacey Turner, 17, left, high-fives Melaina as Kileen Willis, 15, looks on during an event at Zion Lutheran Church in Loveland to encourage teenagers to be open with their feelings.

Matt McClain / The Rocky

Melaina's mother, Michelle Benzor-Marquez, serves dinner at the family's home in Loveland. "I had to come out and say, 'My daughter is transgender,' " Benzor-Marquez recalls telling the school principal in 2006. It was a big step toward acknowledging her daughter's situation.

Matt McClain / The Rocky

Melaina Marquez, 15, fixes her hair in her Loveland home Tuesday as she gets ready for school. She was born a boy but has lived as a girl since eighth grade.

On the first day of eighth grade, Melaina Marquez wore a polo shirt, wedge shoes and denim skirt with ruffles.

The year before, that outfit would have been out of the question. At that point, Melaina was a boy known as Manuel.

Melaina, now 15, is considered to be transgender: a person who does not identify with the sex based on his or her genitalia. She decided to tell her story after news reports last month about a 7-year-old Douglas County girl who attended school last year as a boy.

At age 2, Melaina recalls playing with Barbies and her favorite toy, a kitchenette. When she played house in pre-school, "I would always want to be the mom."

Melaina says she never struggled with her identity. But her mother, Michelle Benzor-Marquez, cannot say the same.

When Melaina was around 8 years old, she was allowed to wear light-colored lip gloss and a little blush, but only at home. Melaina's hair grew longer, little by little, but her mom had the stylist chop it off one day in sixth grade. Melaina cried the whole 20 miles to her grandmother's home.

Benzor-Marquez hoped Melaina was gay because she figured the world could better handle that than transgender.

"I know people think it's wrong to be transgender," said Melaina, who on a recent day was dressed in black jeans and a black and gold striped blouse with decorative bow. "But God made everyone different in his own way, and you can't change that. It's not a choice."

As many as 3 million

Statistics on transgender people are generally unreliable, according to advocates. Many people are scared or embarrassed to come forward and may not know about the term transgender, which came into common usage only about a decade ago.

The National Center for Transgender Equality in Washington, D.C., says it can only estimate from information that has been "cobbled together" that there may be from 1 million to

3 million people in the United States who take steps to live as the opposite sex.

Some advocates believe more transgender people are coming out. TransYouth Family Allies, which has counseled the Douglas County family, says it worked with roughly 15 families nationally last year. So far this year, the number is already more than 30, it reports.

It is not unusual for a youngster to deal with issues of sexual identity, according to experts. Trinidad sex change surgeon Marci Bowers said about 95 percent of those she has operated on told her they remember identifying with the opposite sex as young as 4 or 5 years old.

"They (the kids) are hard- wired that way," Bowers said. "Don't get caught up on the genitalia. It's the child's internal concept of their self-identity. They know who they are."

From Manuel to Melaina

In fall 2006, the Bill Reed Middle School psychologist had a meeting with Benzor-Marquez. Melaina, known then as Manuel, was being teased and harassed.

"I had to come out and say, 'My daughter is transgender,' " Benzor-Marquez recalled.

This was the first time she ever said the word - and the first step toward fully acknowledging her daughter's situation.

She then told the principal that Melaina would be living as a girl "in the future."

"His eyes got really big. He was scared. It was unknown to him," she recalled.

But he was supportive, and asked, "What can we do about this?"

Benzor-Marquez didn't know herself.

"I'll keep you posted," she said.

Melaina had about 10 sessions with a therapist, who is an expert in transgender issues. By the spring of 2007, the therapist agreed that Melaina was transgender - and psychologically balanced.

Melaina wanted to display her new identity immediately. But mom wanted to go slow. They had to check school policy and prepare answers for those who had questions.

That summer, Benzor-Marquez did her transgender homework, while Melaina grew her hair out, worked on her makeup, and prepared her wardrobe.

There was also the question of a name. Mom wanted to keep the first initial the same. She also wanted something ethnic to reflect their Mexican heritage. Benzor-Marquez's mom mentioned a Greek name, Melaina.

That worked for Benzor-Marquez.

"I named you the first time you were born," she said. "I'm picking it the second time."

Support at school

Before Melaina started eighth grade as a girl in 2007, her mom met with school employees, from secretaries on up, about Melaina's situation. During the first week of classes, someone on staff kept an eye out for her. "We wanted her to be safe and have fun and be a kid," Benzor- Marquez added.

The first day back went fine, Melaina said. Soon after, "the question" arose: "Did you have a sex change?"

If it is the most obvious question for transgender people, it is also the most bothersome.

"Nobody else has to answer that question," said Trans- Youth Family Allies executive director Kim Pearson.

Plus, U.S. standards of medical care generally have called for sex change operations only for people at least 18 years old, according to some advocates.

Now in ninth grade at Mountain View High School in Loveland, Melaina knows a lot of people and has a small circle of close friends. She is also on the girls track team.

Like the Douglas County girl, Melaina uses unisex bathrooms on campus, although she would prefer the girls' restroom. Melaina's counselor is there for her five days a week.

Benzor-Marquez said Melaina's friends have been supportive, encouraging her to ask boys out.

But Melaina also has been harassed and hurt, sometimes accidentally, sometimes not.

One classmate - she says he didn't mean for her to hear - said, "She's an it." Then there was another guy at the bus stop. He was a bit more vocal.

"She's still a guy!" he declared.

She recently had a date with boy to see the movie Beowulf. Her stepfather chaperoned. The date was teased when classmates found out he went with her, Melaina said.

Yet she counts her transition as "100 percent successful."

Mom doesn't go that far. Benzor-Marquez feels that Melaina may have become accustomed to the small but steady stream of comments and questions directed at her, and view them as normal.

But Benzor-Marquez said that parental support, working closely with school officials and being honest with classmates are among the keys to a smooth transition.

That honesty is apparent in how Melaina approaches a guy she likes.

"Have you ever heard the term transgender?" she will say. "I used to be a boy before, but now I'm female."

The response, typically, is hardly what she wants to hear.

"They'll be freaked out for a week or so, then say, 'Can we just be friends?' " Melaina said.

She has not given up. But she also reflects that she may not have a boyfriend throughout high school.

"It hurts to a point," she added. "But you either like me, or you don't."

At one point, Melaina's mother pulls a passport-sized picture out of her wallet. It could be any dark-haired boy at 21/2-years- old, dressed in khakis and a striped dress shirt.

"It's still me," Melaina said. "I don't find it gross or wrong. It's me in a different way."

kassj@RockyMountainNews.com

Gender identity

* What is a transgender? Transgender does not necessarily refer to someone who has had a sex-change operation. Advocates define transgender as a person who does not identify with the sex based on their genitalia - in other words, someone born with male genitalia who does not identify as male and someone born with female genitalia who does not identify as a female. A transgender person should be referred to as the gender they identify with, according to advocates.

Update: 7-year-old transgender

Classmates are watching out for the 7-year-old transgender student who returned to a Douglas County classroom last month as a girl.

"There have been kids who have gone out of their way to let her know they would help take care of her if somebody was teasing her," the girl's mother told the Rocky Mountain News on Friday.

The Douglas County family has requested anonymity to protect their safety, but made brief remarks to the Rocky about their daughter's transition back to school. The mother said there have been no reported problems.

"She's happy," the mother said. "She's excited to be back in school. Loves her teacher."

Family members also were interviewed by the Douglas County News-Press, which published their story Friday.

Forty people from across the country have contacted the Douglas County School District about the situation and the majority "voiced concerns," said spokeswoman Whei Wong. Twenty of those families are local.

"A handful of students who had questions have been supported by teachers, their principal and counselors," Wong added.

The district is also making transgender information available at the school, and about a half-dozen packets have been handed out, Wong said.

"No parent has asked that the student not be allowed to enroll," she added.

• March 1, 2008

  7:11 a.m.

  Suggest removal

  stellewriter writes:

  Every ten minutes a child is born, 1/2500, in which the doctor cannot determine the sex, or gender. These children are Intersex; they are born into a life of not male or female. Likewise in similar fashion the Transsexual is identified with a Bioneurological congenital condition they too are locked into something not quite so clearly defined as male, or female. The best we can do is live as close to what we seem to believe we are.

  To step out into a world of what for many is rejection and social discrimination is daunting. The courage and tenacity that a transsexual must face is incredible. She will face many challenges, and all like her, should always remember that you are not alone. Melaina is courageous!

• March 1, 2008

  9:40 a.m.

  Suggest removal

  Gene writes:

  Melaina is courageous, how so? . . , hopefully not contagious.

• March 1, 2008

  10:34 a.m.

  Suggest removal

  forwhatitis writes:

  Hey, think of the possibilities..... A minority boy from a home without a father, grows up to identify as a female even though he has male genitalia. Perhaps we could encourage this so that instead of being gang-bangers, rapists, burglers, murderers and thugs, these boys will instead start baking each other cookies! I can already see the benefits of drive-by huggings already!

• March 1, 2008

  12:55 p.m.

  Suggest removal

  Mommyx4 writes:

  How heartless and cruel are the comments posted by Gene and forwhatitis? Nobody would choose the life she has chosen. Her life will always be an uphill battle. Small minds think alike!

• March 1, 2008

  1:12 p.m.

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  forwhatitis writes:

  No, it's "great minds think alike". If you are going to use a cliche, then at least get it right.

• March 1, 2008

  3:09 p.m.

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  leann123 writes:

  To answer your question, Gene, Melaina is courageous because she has chosen to be true to herself and face people like you who are ignorant, unwilling to become educated on the issue, closed-minded, and mean... rather than avoid the wrath by living a lie.

  Melaina, the Doulass County girl and other people who are transgendered have a difficult life ahead of them, one for which they did not ask. They were born with bodies that do not match the gender wiring of their brains, a condition of which they have no control. And unfortunately, there are people in the world who hate so much or are so insecure with themselves that nothing anyone could tell them or show them or teach them will ever change the way they think, feel, and behave.

  It makes me laugh at how many people out their read an article and all of a sudden think they are experts on the matter. When you have done thousands of hours of research on transender, spoken to hundreds of transgender people and their loved ones, interviewed experts in the medical and mental health fields about their findings regarding transgender and read numerous books on the topic, then your opinion might have some validity. Until then, you just make yourself look like a fool.

• March 1, 2008

  5:07 p.m.

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  forwhatitis writes:

  Leann123 says: "When you have done thousands of hours of research on transender, spoken to hundreds of transgender people and their loved ones, interviewed experts in the medical and mental health fields about their findings regarding transgender and read numerous books on the topic, then your opinion might have some validity."

  Are you describing yourself?

• March 1, 2008

  8:52 p.m.

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  xrk9854 writes:

  4whatitis Q: Do you know what somebody who has very strong opinions, especially on matters of politics, religion, or ethnicity, and refuses to accept different views is called?

  A: bigot

• March 1, 2008

  9:04 p.m.

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  Gene writes:

  Is this new intermediate sex, able to reproduce him/herself?

• March 1, 2008

  10:46 p.m.

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  redwhiteandBLUE writes:

  8:52,
  OH YES!!!!!!!!

• March 1, 2008

  10:47 p.m.

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  redwhiteandBLUE writes:

  8:52,
  OH YES!!!!(SARCASTIC)

• March 2, 2008

  6:14 a.m.

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  forwhatitis writes:

  xrk9854: Didn't your mommy ever tell you not to call people names? BTW, isn't this BB intended for opinions?

• March 2, 2008

  4:27 p.m.

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  PMSXpress writes:

  If Melaina's transgender position makes this person a happier individual, then go for it... however... there are many out there just like her. Yeah, go ahead, blast me, grin.

  Quote from story: "Benzor-Marquez said Melaina's friends have been supportive, encouraging her to ask boys out."

  I find that to be a disturbing statement. Is Melaina honest enough to inform would-be dates that she is a transgendered male? Does she (or her friends) find it fair (or maybe amusing) to bait unsuspecting boys/men that may not have a gay interest? I don't think so. Sounds like Melaina's friends might be playing a cruel trick. Reminds me of the movie The Crying Game.

• March 2, 2008

  8:24 p.m.

  Suggest removal

  ceecee writes:

  Melaina, I applaud your brave decision to make your life so public. I am sad and disappointed at the vile comments that have been posted here. In a way, I hope you don't read this, because it will means you have read of these hateful comments. But I know you are strong and can take it.

  PMSXpress, get into the real world an off the movie screen (aka The Crying Game, movies aren't real, they are something called f-i-c-t-i-o-n). Melaina is a class act all the way. Why in the world would you suspect her of "baiting" anybody? You, and the uninformed attitude you propagate are are killing thousands of kids and adults a year in trans directed violence. Trans and homosexual people do not go around preying on poor, defenseless heterosexuals. This does not happen. You represent the kind of potential jury member that actually believes the "gay panic" defense for hate crimes. I love you, now get a clue. (start by google'ing "gay panic")

  The other hate inspired comments are not hardly worthy of comment. Why are people these so cowardly and afraid? I hope and believe most people (the loving majority?) have been asking that for a long time.

  Why do some people have so little self-worth and respect that they find others to hate, whether their targets be they Catholics, Protestants, Muslims, Jews, Atheists, Asians, Hispanics, Irish, German, Black, White, Raiders Fans or Colorado Rednecks. I choose not to like people because they are jerks, not because of how they were born or who they come to understand they really are.

  How can the cowards that post anonymously to boards like this possible feel like their posting of hateful words betters their world? These are people that probably pull the wings off of butterfly's for sport, then complain that their world is empty and ugly.

  Michelle and Melaina are strong, brave people with a different story to tell. They should inspire us all. They certainly inspire me. I love you all (even you Gene and forwhatitis).

  CeeCee

• March 2, 2008

  10:47 p.m.

  Suggest removal

  Mommyx4 writes:

  I was fully aware of what I was typing. The phrase "great minds think alike" obviously doesn't apply to your ignorant a$#!!!!!

• March 3, 2008

  1:48 a.m.

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  xrk9854 writes:

  4whatitis, I never called you a name, I asked a question. And by your own admission I'm allowed an opinion.

  Besides, lots of good stuff here and you're putting it all down. You put down minorities. You put down mommyx4. You put down Leeann123. And you're trying to put me down. Sounds like maybe my original question hits too close to home? (another question)

• March 3, 2008

  7:51 a.m.

  Suggest removal

  PMSXpress writes:

  Cee Cee:

  I live in a very real world among many gay and lesbian friends and co-workers (and family), however I prefer my straight lifestyle. You completely chose to overlook the first words in my post. Why is that? In fact I expect to be flamed by those that disagree because that is just how some people are on an anonymous board. I had a gay brother (my favorite brother actually, he was awesome) that we all lovingly took care of until the day he drew his last breath. He is dead from illness related to the AIDS he suffered with for years and years both physically and emotionally from those that misunderstood the disease. I understand and accept the differences of those around me with a far clearer and kinder perspective than you ever will most likely. And I’m pretty sure my mother would relate to Michelle and what she has gone through to come to grips with the reality of her world, who by the way is still just a regular person like anyone else. Get over yourself, geezus. Nobody died and made you queen hon.

  The way this story is written makes it appear as a sideshow activity for this person’s young friends, who have pretty much no life experiences behind them to understand the implications of what they might be doing to Melaina. To rush a 15-yr. old kid, particularly at the emotional and hormonal level at that age, into dating other boys/men who may not be gay or interested in a switch-over lifestyle is risky and careless. If Melaina is honest and clear about her sexuality and genitalia to those she is interested in and they accept that, then that is her (their) business. NOW read that last sentence AGAIN sloooooowly… so you understand my position on this. Okie dokie? True, the movie analogy is dark, but Hollywood aside these things do happen in the real world. Yes, they really, do. Whether you like the comparison or not.

  To me, the story is good enough on Melaina’s side… but comes off as one-sided and careless in the dating aspect, as is the Rocky’s intent to stir emotions. Or did you miss that too?

• March 3, 2008

  9:29 a.m.

  Suggest removal

  ceecee writes:

  PMSXpress
  Please accept my apology and rush to judgment. I obviously couldn't read past you rhetorical question, I get that now...I have no excuses, I'll plead some kind of "panic" defense. I'm sorry. Especially sorry to divert from the real story here, which is brave Melaina.

  CeeCee

• March 3, 2008

  12:39 p.m.

  Suggest removal

  PMSXpress writes:

  No biggie and I defer to you also. Yes, it takes cojones to come out particularly as TG, esp. at that young age. Pardon the pun...

  :-)

• March 3, 2008

  6:46 p.m.

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  stellewriter writes:

  I think the negative comments serve a purpose and should be taken to heart. It is something we need to consider and rationalize, that there are those who are no less as hateful and bigoted as was Hitler, the KKK, and a host of other cowards who not only attack adults, but like their predecessor racists attack children and the helpless.

  You have to ask why the gender or sexuality of someone else would have any bearing to another's being, except that these haters themselves are terribly immature and insecure with their sexuality.

• May 28, 2008

  10:47 p.m.

  Suggest removal

  Saywhatyouwill writes:

  Okay you people need to seriously grow up. Who cares what she does? I attend the same school as Melaina. I haven't met her, but I've seen her in the halls. She is a really gorgeous girl! And if you can't see past the fact that she used to be a boy then you can just ignore her and not say anything. She is happy so just leave her alone. I totally support Melaina and her decision. =)