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HART: Let the outrage begin

By Betsy Hart, Scripps Howard News Service

Published June 16, 2008 at 12:01 a.m.

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Betsy Hart

Betsy Hart

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By the time I was 8 or so and didn’t have school for whatever reason, my mom would often put me on the commuter train in my northwest Chicago suburb, and I would ride — by myself and with no cell phone of course — down to Chicago itself to have lunch with my dad. By the time I was around 10 I was making the many-block trek from the train station to his office in the Chicago “loop” by myself. We would have a nice lunch, and then he would send me back to the train station.

It never occurred to me to be scared or nervous. I don’t think it occurred to my parents either.

Putting a young child on the train by herself today — unthinkable, right? Not to Lenore Skenazy. A writer for the New York Sun, she let her 9-year-old travel alone on the New York City subway. Her biggest mistake? Writing about it.

She recounted in a column how, on a bright Sunday afternoon, she and her husband allowed their child to ride the transit system by himself (complete with map, transit card, money, etc.). He made it home safe and sound and quite proud of himself.

Let the outrage begin.

Skenazy is now the subject of outrage from every overwrought parent on the planet. Countless people, who apparently believe what they see in the movies about New York City, have let Skenazy know how they feel about her as a parent. This included being scolded by “parenting experts” in interviews with her on national television talk shows, one of whom suggested she should have given her son the same experience — only, followed him. (Which, as Skenazy points out, wouldn’t have been the same experience.)

In The Times (of London) this week, Skenazy recounted the outrage to her original piece and responded, “Come on — my son had not climbed Mount Fuji in flip-flops ... . He had simply done what most people my age had done routinely when they were his age: gone somewhere on his own, without a security detail.”

Not living in New York City, I have no idea whether I myself would have let my 9-year-old ride the subway alone. That wasn’t my call to make. I do know that, time and again, my worry when it comes to my kids isn’t letting them run around and explore and play and ride their bikes on their own — it’s what other parents will think of me for letting them do so.

I have lots of concerns for my kids — don’t get me started — and no I do not believe they should raise themselves. But I don’t worry about whether they will break a bone jumping on the netted trampoline in our yard (certainly a possibility) or that they will be abducted from the playground down the street (not much of a possibility. According to federal crime statistics, true stranger abductions happen a little over 100 times a year in the entire United States).

And anyway, I have at least one child that any would-be abductor would return forthwith.

But one of the things that does concern me is the experiences so many kids, even my kids, aren’t getting.

All the independent things I did as a child, whether riding the train on my own, or standing up to three older brothers without my parents regularly intervening, or disappearing with my friends for hours on end into my neighborhood, have, I believe, undoubtedly helped me to become the resilient person I am today.

I suppose I’m pretty much able to handle the curve balls sent to me, without panicking and without depending on someone else to figure it out for me. And I’ve had some wild curve balls. Suddenly raising a family of four young kids on my own? Talk about adventure.

But by being too protective, I wonder whether my kids — our kids — are going to be able to handle curve balls as adults. Forget a ride on the subway. That’s one thing this mother worries about.

Betsy Hart hosts the "It Takes a Parent" radio show on WYLL-AM 1160 in Chicago. Reach her through betsysblog.com.

Comments

  • June 16, 2008

    7:58 a.m.

    Suggest removal

    AngelontheSidelines writes:

    Are you crazy?
    Children nowadays need to be coddled and pampered. Overprotection along with an elevated sense of entitlement because they are special will boost their self esteem.

    Self esteem is the main quality that must be instilled in children. When these kids are exposed to winning and losing, mean people, and hard work, their self esteem suffers and then they turn to drugs, and teen sex.

    :smart(_!_)

  • June 16, 2008

    10:48 a.m.

    Suggest removal

    mytwosense writes:

    Before I became a parent, I used to state many of the points the author of this piece makes. Now that I have a child, I can't help but have a few misgivings about some of my previous stances.

    Still, I want to raise a competent, confident child. Instilling fear of the outside world is not the way to go about it.

    And I remember when I was a kid, during the summer your parents practically exiled you outside the entire day! You had to have a pretty good reason to come back inside, and only then for a minute or two. I'm definitely an independent person now, and a lot of that is because I was made to be an independent child.

    I think the key is to teach your child to trust in his/her instincts, and to adhere to some common sense safety tips.

  • June 16, 2008

    10:55 a.m.

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    Faux_Noise writes:

    I grew up in NYC and was taking the bus to school by myself at age 9. My "street smarts" still come in handy. The critics are a bunch of wusses.

  • June 16, 2008

    11:33 a.m.

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    mytwosense writes:

    Faux Noise, I grew up in the country. But I remember being four or five years old and striking out on my own for the day. Played in the woods, played in the fields that were way beyond our property line (we used to dig for - and sometimes find - old Indian artifacts).

    I honestly can't imagine giving my own son that much freedom, but at the same time, he is NOT going to stay indoors glued to the TV or a video game. I read a disquieting thing in a book once where a kid said he liked being indoors the most because "that's where the electricity outlets are."

    The book is called "Last Child in the Woods." Very, very interesting read about the causes behind why so many children are spending less and less time outdoors.

  • June 16, 2008

    11:34 a.m.

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    mytwosense writes:

    Clarification: I can't imagine giving my son that much unsupervised freedom at such a young age as four or five.

  • June 16, 2008

    11:42 a.m.

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    mytwosense writes:

    Angelonthesidelines: "Self esteem is the main quality that must be instilled in children. When these kids are exposed to winning and losing, mean people, and hard work, their self esteem suffers and then they turn to drugs, and teen sex."

    While I agree with many of your posts, this is not one of them. It's pretty much the typical "backlash" kind of ranting that oversimplifies something much more complex that is happening in our society. For example, the whole "Your special!" reference you make largely springs from a society that is under the impression "it's a competitive world out there" so we must make our kids think they are better than others in order for them to compete.

    In other words, we emphasize competition over cooperation.

    Also, parents have bought into the consumer culture, so why shouldn't their kids? Parents have the TV on all the time, so why shouldn't we expect our kids will become marketing targets for advertisers?

    And, you seem to be confusing "self-esteem" with giving generalized praise and empty platitudes to our children. Smart parents realize that self-esteem is gained through self-respect, and they teach their kids how to gain the latter through several ways. Primarily, by teaching them to be competent, to learn how to solve problems, and to treat others with respect.

    However, you can't teach a kid to treat others with respect if you don't even talk to your own child with some modicum of maturity and respect. Parents who constantly order their children around just teach their kids to be scared of them, and not much else. It actually takes more patience and thinking to explain things to your children rather than just assert edicts.

    You can be firm AND kind with your children. It just takes practice and a desire to really teach your child.

  • June 16, 2008

    1:32 p.m.

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    oatis writes:

    When I was SIX years old (in 1956) my folks put me on a Greyhound bus in Denver to go visit my grandparents in Pueblo. My dad, a WWII veteran, sat me down on board the bus with a couple of servicemen and asked then to keep an eye on me: done deal. I felt very grown up--and completely safe.

    Things were better then, of course: it is not responsible to send an unaccompanied child out alone now.

    Remember when the Swedish couple nearly got hauled into Denver jail a few years ago? Their "crime" was leaving their child in a stroller in front of The Market on Larimer Street while they went in for coffee. When confronted, they explained that they had placed the child near other diners on the sidewalk, in plain view--confident in their cultural assumption that here, as in Sweden, adults would watch, and intract with a child in their midst.

    The indignant police and Social Services authoritities had to educate the rubes that Americans are unsafe, and cannot be counted upon to observe simple manners taken for granted elsewhere.

    My pals and I used to take off on our bikes on Saturday morning with our parents admonition to check in sometime before dinner. What a rich world of possibilty lay before our unsupervised eyes!

    Now it's soccer camp, band camp and a host of other "fun" things
    concocted, and chaperoned by meddling grown ups. What a loss!

  • June 16, 2008

    2:07 p.m.

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    mytwosense writes:

    oatis, good post. Do you think it's that our safety really did change, or something else is at works here? I know there have always been crazies out there. But when we moved to our last house, I went to one of those sex offender databases to input our new address and see if any offenders lived in our neighborhood. THREE came up just within a few blocks! Scary.

  • June 16, 2008

    3:43 p.m.

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    Woogford writes:

    My wife and I argued over this. While I don't know that I'd have the cajones to put my kid on an NYC train alone, I don't think it's inherantly bad parenting or dangerous. The media sensationalizes threats to our children. Those are the "good" stories that get people to watch. However, the true risk of something bad happening to them is much lower, yet I have to admit, there is a risk. Although I think the chances of my son dying in a car accident are much higher than him being abducted in an Applebees restaurant, I don't think twice about driving with him in the back seat, but I hesitate about letting use the restroom alone. We're in danger of raising a bunch of whimps.

  • June 16, 2008

    11:45 p.m.

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    clyde writes:

    There was a time before the Tylenol scare, when it became obvious that there were people perfectly willing to poison a complete stranger, before NAMBLA, where little boys became the love interests of grown men, when a DUI indicated that you had a REAL alcohol problem, rather than got entraped by the MAD crowd.

    Nowadays, a DUI means nothing, except you sniffed the cork once too often, a sex offender is the victim of societal injustices, and killing our own children is brushed aside as a "late term abortion". Is there really any question as to why and where we are going???

  • June 17, 2008

    7:37 a.m.

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    KelcyCo writes:

    A couple of points. Back when we were kids (and I`m over 50) there was not the news network of today. Bad things happened to kids and it was not on the news that night let alone around the country in a heartbeat. There were no doubt as many ``bad people`` out there then as there today so I don`t believe it is more prevalent today than it was yesterday. On the local news network (and we`re on vacation) there was news story about the number of sex offenders living around various parks. They did not just spring from the earth yesterday. Sex offenders have been around forever. We just identify them better and prosecute more frequently today. Oh, and we track there whereabout and put it on the Internet. We just hear about all the crimes today and we are more aware of it. Consequently, to me it is irresponsible to allow our children to do many of things we did way back when. We know better today. At the moment the angst is about the story and the arguments are going back and forth about something that may or may not have occurred. Rather than look at it from the perspective of the mother writing about this great adventure her nine year old went on look at from the perspective of a news report of a nine year old traveling around on his own that was mugged or raped or kidnapped never to be seen again or murdered and left in an alleyway. All were possible. Today or 50 years ago. Would your comments be changing if the bad had happened? Would you think Mom was so great and so into helping build his self-esteem? Or would you be vilifying her for being a bad and irresponsible mother? I believe the latter and I would agree.

  • June 17, 2008

    8:21 a.m.

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    roger44 writes:

    Oatis, I remember those days, was 12 in '56. we didn't have TV, went to the river to swim or spear fish, explored the countryside. when kids had a race, only the top 3 were given ribbons, none of this all getting them, fired up the competitive spirit in us. we had darn few fat lazy kids in school, now it's getting to be the norm. we had the village long before Hillary ever came out with the idea, families watched out for all the kids, not just their own. we lived during the one period that can really be called the good old days. And if someone messed with the kids, they better hope the cops got them before a father did cause the punishment was severe.

  • June 17, 2008

    8:46 a.m.

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    irisman writes:

    I don't see what the fuss is. I was a kid in the years after WWII, and learning to use the public transit system was considered a basic life skill. At the age of nine or so, you were allowed to ride a couple of selected local bus routes, and by the age of 12 you could ride all over the city. Also,in school self esteem wasn't even on the radar. You were supposed to learn to read, write, do math, etc. Later in life if you became a Supreme Court Justice or won a Nobel Prize, you were entitled to some self esteem, provided you didn't think you were better than anybody else.