CAMERON: There's no competing with a dead guy

By Bruce Cameron, Rocky Mountain News (Contact)

Friday, July 25, 2008

According to a June 10 WSJ.com article by reporter Mark Maremont, the CEO of Shaw Group Inc. is in line to be paid $17 million for not competing with the engineering and construction company after he dies.

Now, I know what you're thinking: My kids would sure like it if I went to work for Shaw Group! But this company is apparently not alone in paying posthumous non-compete bonuses that some CEOs decry as "not excessive enough." It's actually a fairly common practice at those corporations that don't understand that you usually can't go to work for a competitor if you're no longer breathing.

Shaw Group is a company that works on large construction projects, including nuclear reactors, which I suppose is comforting. Some people believe nuclear energy is dangerous, while others claim it shouldn't matter whether you're killed in a nuclear disaster as long as you can still go to work. I don't have enough information to hold an opinion either way. I just hope that when it comes to safety, Shaw is putting its best dead people on it.

Companies defend payouts like Shaw's as necessary for retaining top talent. Apparently, without such bonuses, many people use their deaths as an excuse to stop doing their jobs. These companies also figure that the payments are justified as a way to take care of the families of workers in the event of death - families of workers who aren't smart enough to buy life insurance and yet are holding down CEO jobs.

(No word as to whether the companies will provide slip-on shoes for CEOs who can't figure out how to tie their own laces.)

The Maremont article also reveals that another company, XTO Energy Inc., is on the hook for an after-death payment of $158,000 to its CEO for "car allowance." Since even the richest people don't normally buy their own hearses, I had to think about this one a bit, but I believe I understand the logic: The money isn't just for a car, it's also for a chauffeur, because an energy company doesn't want its employees to be driving around in public if they're dead. (And where would they be driving? To work!)

I called my editor to ask whether I'd be paid the same for writing my columns even if I were no longer alive.

"We don't even like paying you now," she responded.

"Well, but how do you know I won't start writing for the competition?" I pressed.

She thought about it, then said, "If you go to work for the competition, we'll pay you double."

"You know, you're going to have to change your attitude if you want to attract top talent," I warned her.

"Yes, but until then, you'll do."

I hung up, thinking how sorry she'd be if some other paper hired me after I've passed away. I could see the headline: "Cameron Nominated for Posthumous Pulitzer Third Year in a Row/Editor Admits She Was Wrong and a Big Meanie." Or how about "Dead CEOs Declare Cameron Columnist of the Year: Nobody Likes Editor"?

It's not just large corporations that believe their CEOs are doing some of their best work now that they're dead. A June 16 Reuters story reports that a Romanian village reelected Neculai Ivascu as mayor even though he died a few days before votes were cast. (The town wasn't identified in the article, because not even Reuters can spell the names of Romanian villages.)

Politicians in Chicago were reportedly intrigued by this development because in the Windy City it's usually the voters who are dead.

Mayor Ivascu could not be reached for comment.

Now, if you're reading this, you probably get the feeling I think that paying huge non-compete bonuses to corpses is ridiculous, and you certainly don't like my editor. But I'm not against big salaries per se, especially when they're paid to columnists. I just think that if you're negotiating pay raises with dead employees, you should be able to drive a pretty hard bargain. I guess, though, these big companies don't want to talk about it.

As far as they're concerned, it's a dead issue.

Write to Bruce at bruce@wbrucecameron.com.

• July 26, 2008

  10:45 p.m.

  Suggest removal

  WestminsterJ writes:

  Bruce, you should not be writing about business matters. You've still got a soul.