CAMERON: Longevity experts seeing red

By Bruce Cameron, Rocky Mountain News (Contact)

Friday, July 4, 2008

Finally, a practical method for extending one's life: Researchers at the Harvard Medical School have concluded that a person can slow the aging process and prevent disease by drinking around 750 bottles of red wine a day.

Maybe practical isn't the right word. How about insane? Because, for me anyway, drinking 750 bottles of red wine a day would be a little excessive - I simply don't have that kind of money. And, as much as I'd like to extend my life span, I don't want to do it in a coma. That much wine isn't just too much for a single person, it's too much for a wedding.

The key to red wine's anti-aging capability is a chemical called resveratrol, or so say those drunken fools at Harvard Medical School. Large quantities of resveratrol enabled mice to live longer, ward off disease and sing bar songs. They also ran faster, though most of the time they were running to the bathroom.

According to a Web site on alcohol consumption, if a 160-pound man drank 750 bottles of wine, his blood alcohol content would be approximately 86.5 percent. This is higher than the legal limit for operating a motor vehicle, even in Texas. Most states have a statutory cap of 0.08 percent, so you'd be more than 1,000 times over the limit - too drunk to drive, in other words, though if you were in Europe you could still go to a soccer match. At that level of intoxication, you'd have to drive an SUV just to have room for your liver, and if you blew into a Breathalyzer it would burst into flames.

Officer: Sir, have you been drinking?

You: Drinking? I can't even breathe.

Of course, not everyone weighs 160 pounds. In fact, by my calculations, drinking 750 bottles of wine would not be excessive for a man weighing 9,500 pounds; he'd still be legally able to operate a motor vehicle, though, by and large, it is not advisable to drive a car if you can't fit inside it.

I spoke to a police officer who told me that people should not drive if they feel their ability to do so is inhibited by paralysis and death. He seemed skeptical of the idea that 750 bottles of wine a day would cause someone to live longer, but he didn't go to Harvard so maybe he doesn't know what he's talking about. He also said that if he pulled someone over on suspicion of driving under the influence and the driver weighed 9,500 pounds, he would call for backup.

Researchers have discovered similar longevity-enhancing effects from low-calorie diets, though the mice in those studies seemed a lot more grumpy. They lived longer, were more active and spent most of their time trying to figure out how to tunnel into the cages with the mice who drank wine. People who don't want to go the 750-bottle route might consider reducing their calorie consumption by 30 to 40 percent, as long as they don't mind screaming at people for no reason and bursting into tears at Burger King commercials.

People who both reduce their caloric intake by 30 to 40 percent and increase their alcohol consumption to 750 bottles per day not only will live longer but could probably manage to do other impossible stuff like become invisible, have heat vision and understand how to do their income taxes.

Oddly, white wine, distilled spirits and beer do not appear to have the same life-enhancing benefits, though they do seem to lead to a greater incidence of karaoke. Also odd is that one's life expectancy does not increase from eating doughnuts and cinnamon rolls. (Well, OK, it may not be odd, exactly, but it's certainly inconvenient.)

I asked the same police officer whether he thought people could reduce their caloric intake by 40 percent while eating doughnuts, and he said yes. He was very calm when he said this, so I'm going to assume he's currently eating at 100 percent.

As for me, I've decided that any resveratrol that finds its way into my bloodstream is going to be pretty lonely. I want to live longer, sure, but not if, in doing so, I have to drink myself to death.

Write to Bruce at bruce@wbrucecameron.com.

• July 4, 2008

  11:55 p.m.

  Suggest removal

  Brix57 writes:

  Quite the humorous piece, but, why do you want to live longer? Your mandated productive years end at 65, perhaps a bit longer IF you can still contribute. After that, you drain the resources of the current working people and live your life in indolent style, relying upon others.

• July 5, 2008

  12:16 a.m.

  Suggest removal

  bioresearcher writes:

  Since the Dr. Sinclair study was published in Nature a flood of dubious companies have sprung up selling resveratrol. One even makes his capsules in a rented house in Florida. Consumer Lab, an independent testing authority, evaluated the major brands and found many lacking in content and quality. The highest potency products that passed their evaluation were Biotivia, Transmax and Bioforte. A product by Life Extension Co. failed badly with only 26% of the claimed resveratrol. Another brand, Revatrol, had virtually no trans-resveratrol in its supplement. The ConsumerLab test results are available on their web site. According to the NIH formula for converting from mice to humans the correct dose based upon the published studies is between 400mg and 4,000mg for a 70 kg man. The consensus amongst researchers seems to be that around 1,000mg is appropriate for a preventative dose and twice that to treat an existing condition.

• July 5, 2008

  12:19 p.m.

  Suggest removal

  arby writes:

  Brix57
  What is wrong with living an indolent life style? I worked my dog butt off for 50 years and I'm enjoying being indolent and not being committed to be some specific place at some specific time to satisfy some one elses wants. Not needs. And I don't rely on you or anyone else to support me.

  Bioreasercher
  So how many bottles of wine does that translate into for some lazy indolent?

• July 5, 2008

  7:42 p.m.

  Suggest removal

  bitwranglers writes:

  Soilant green is the logical extension to resveratrol. Helps keep the product fresher, longer....

• July 6, 2008

  12:26 a.m.

  Suggest removal

  arby writes:

  bitwrangler
  Yeah, but it doesn't taste as good as a nice gallon of red. It kind of leaves that funny after taste, you know like after you lick the blood from a cut.