Even for celebrities, rehab isn't pretty

The Rocky

Published January 23, 2008 at 12:05 a.m.

Text size

More Television

Once you film a former child star guzzling vodka, Vicodin and steroids before getting behind the wheel, there are few remaining moral lines to cross.

But that hasn't kept VH1 from receiving a critical beatdown for its latest and most brazen slice of celebreality, Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew (8 p.m. Thursdays). If witnessing Danny Bonaduce implode during VH1's Breaking Bonaduce was tough to stomach, chances are you won't want to watch desperate D-list celebs grasp for one last shot of fame by letting cameras roll as they detox and try to pick up the pieces of their sorry lives.

Eight of them checked in at the Pasadena Recovery Center, where Dr. Drew Pinsky attempted to inject some sanity into a collection that includes a porn star, wrestler and former American Idol finalist.

It prompted The New York Times to call VH1 "a channel making its fortune from other people's misfortune," while the Boston Globe asked, "At what point should we turn our backs on these addicts and hope they'll find peace privately?"

VH1 tries to leaven the proceedings a bit, but not much. Even they can't find the laughs when one of its stars mutters, "Life is pain, and pain is hell" before an ambulance pulls up.

In the end, Celebrity Rehab looks more like A&E's Intervention than VH1's Surreal Life. It's not entirely bleak, but there are different levels of sadness among the eight cases:

Sad

* Joanie "Chyna" Laurer - "I don't even know why I'm here," she says, and we agree. She drinks her share, but for a former WWE wrestler, that actually puts her ahead of the game.

* Mary Carey - The porn star brings a bunch of sex toys for her rehab stint, which proves she's clueless, but not necessarily addicted.

* Jaimee Foxworth The Family Matters star estimates she smokes pot about every hour of every day, which makes her more mellow than sad.

* Seth "Shifty" Binzer The lead singer of the band Crazy Town has a cocaine habit. What's worse: He's the lead singer of Crazy Town, which means we doubt he has the budget to sustain that habit.

Sadder

* Daniel Baldwin - On one hand, he's been clean and sober since 2006. On the other hand, he's an addict so desperate for fame that he still agrees to check into rehab to get a little face time on TV. And while Daniel's in Celebrity Rehab, his brother Stephen's on Celebrity Apprentice and his brother Alec is winning Emmys on 30 Rock. Sad indeed.

* Jessica Sierra - We already know how this rehab stint ended for the former American Idol finalist. Earlier this month a Florida judge sentenced Sierra to a year at a California rehabilitation clinic, saying he didn't want this stay to be another screen test and that he doesn't "want anybody glamorizing the fact that she's a drug addict."

* Brigitte Nielsen - She's a binge drinker, which isn't so sad. But when the B-movie actress says her three boys "were the first to tell me, 'I don't like it when you drink,' " it becomes a great deal sadder.

Saddest

* Jeff Conaway - No one comes close to wresting this crown from Kenickie. The former Taxi and Grease star popped pills, sniffed white powder and chugged from a bottle before checking in and spent the first episode hallucinating, slurring and mumbling (necessitating subtitles). Finally an ambulance took him away. Even his costars looked on in horror, conceding that Conaway stood (or rather sat slumped in his wheelchair) as a cautionary tale of where they all could be headed.

KISS of death

"It's a role I was born for. I'm the king of all women."

Gene Simmons, who was asked by Donald Trump to take over the habitually losing all-female team in Celebrity Apprentice. The Simmons-led females lost again, and the KISS frontman - looking suspiciously eager to end his run on the show - fell on his own sword and was fired.

Writers' pain is 'Idol' gain

$1 million. That's the reported cost of a 30-second ad on American Idol once it gets closer to its late-May finale, according to the Los Angeles Times. The spots originally were about $750,000, but were bumped up since it now faces weaker competition thanks to the writers' strike.

$35 million. That's how much Coca-Cola paid to have the American Idol judges drink from their cups, paint the set red and include a few logos this season, according to The Hollywood Reporter.

Olympian efforts

NBC contends it's going all out to prime the ratings pump before broadcasting the Summer Olympic Games from Beijing. To that end, the network announced these reality additions to their prime-time schedule:

* More American Gladiators - Nothing says "the world's finest athletes" like the return of American Gladiators, which NBC renewed after better- than-expected ratings in its first two episodes this winter. The network already has launched an American Idol-like search for contestants. Finally, Hulk Hogan and Olympics in the same sentence.

* Snatching Nashville Star - If it was good enough for the USA Network, it's good enough for a writerless NBC. Country crooners take a stab at stardom - and their fate rests in Jewel's hands.

Subscribe to the Rocky Mountain News