Father, son and meth

Author accepts role of enabler in child's descent into drugs

By Sarah Peasley , Special to the Rocky

Published February 29, 2008 at 12:05 a.m.

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Photo by Bart Nagel

Journalist David Sheff and his son, Nic, who is fighting an addiction to methampheta- mine. Sheff's book tells the story from a father's perspective.

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Americans can't get enough details about drug abusers' fall and redemption, consuming play-by- play coverage of Britney and Heath, giving rise to VH1's Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew and putting addicts' memoirs on best-seller lists.

In a well-received New York Times Magazine piece called "My Addicted Son" two years ago, journalist David Sheff offered a novel perspective: an enabler's. He didn't use that term in the article, but now, with his engrossing, longer account titled Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Meth Addiction, he bravely admits the unintentional role he played in his son Nic's illness.

The journey in the title doesn't refer to his making it to the end of Nic's problems, but rather beyond his own role as Nic's codependent. When reasoning, love and money can't fix Nic, Sheff fixes himself, finding relief in therapy and in "a God I never believed in."

As much as a son, young Nic was his buddy, accompanying him to interview artist Keith Haring and to adults-only parties. Divorced from Nic's mom and full of guilt over the "draconian" long-distance co- parenting agreement, Sheff nevertheless nurtures his intelligent, athletic and, by all accounts, thoroughly charming boy.

When Nic was caught with cigarettes at 11 and marijuana at 14, Sheff took sensible steps by reminding Nic of recreational drugs' dangers and enlisting teachers and therapists to help, but he largely dismissed the behaviors as normal kid stuff.

"I know that Nic uses drugs because he feels cleverer and less introverted and insecure (and falsely believes) debauchery leads to the greatest art, whether by Hemingway, Hendrix or Basquiat," he writes.

Sheff isn't sure how or why Nic (now 25) tried meth. In therapy years later, Nic reminds his dad of high school graduation night. " 'There was Ecstasy at the party we went to. I took some. I was flying. I felt so close to everyone, going through these long, meaningful goodbyes. After that I took whatever I could find - e, LSD, mushrooms, and then . . . ' He looks up. 'Then crystal. When I tried it, I felt - I felt better than ever before in my life.' "

Skillfully avoiding foreshadowing, Sheff takes us through repeated confrontation, rehab and relapse: the sunny, communicative boy would reappear, then disappear and binge on meth for days or weeks. He steals $5 from his little brother's piggy bank, forges his dad's checks, calls with lies about an emergency to get money, adds heroin to the menu when he can't find meth, and then starts shooting both drugs.

Sheff is ever hopeful each time his beautiful boy admits his problem and accepts his offer of expensive rehab. Reading this raw, deeply personal account often is like reading Sheff's diary.

"He has broken into his mother's house. He is out of his mind. Meth again. Tweaking. Since he relapsed, I have known that something like this was coming, but now the dam bursts and I am flooded with emotion.

"Please God heal Nic.

"Is it too late?

"Relapse is part of recovery.

"Please heal Nic."

Even after Nic goes off to college, Sheff lives in a perpetual state of anxiety. When Nic cuts off communication (a reliable sign of relapse), Sheff checks jails and ERs, even wanders the Mission District to look at hollow-eyed addicts, hoping to find him.

"Nothing in my life has prepared me for this incapacitating worry when I don't know where he is. I imagine Nic on the streets of San Francisco like a wild animal, wounded and desperate."

The consummate researcher, Sheff explains how meth is in a class of its own in the havoc it wreaks on the brains and bodies of its victims. Users' depression, argumentativeness, anxiety and unwillingness to go into treatment have a biological basis, he explains.

The symptoms begin because users binge, and the drug severely curtails dopamine in the brain. This compels the user to take more, causing more nerve damage and increasing the compulsion to use. Its severe neurotoxicity means meth addicts, unlike users of most other drugs, may never completely recover.

Years spent enabling and trying to fix Nic nearly killed Sheff, in the form of a cerebral hemorrhage. Sheff finally started turning off his cell phone for a few hours each day, freedom from fear that the next ring was from an ER doctor or cop. He stopped apologizing to his wife for Nic's theft and lies. He created distance between himself and Nic's recovery, which is ongoing.

"Your reward for your hard work in recovery is that you come headlong into the pain that you were trying to get away from with drugs," Sheff writes.

Sheff has turned his anguish into hope for addicts and those who love them, giving us a brutally honest and intimate view of one parent's healthy response to a hell he cannot leave.

Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Meth Addiction

* By David Sheff. Houghton Mifflin, $24.

* Grade: A

Do you take cream and sugar with your irony?

Oddly enough for a company that sells a product some say is addictive, Starbucks began featuring Beautiful Boy in its stores as of Tuesday. The last title Starbucks supported was Ishmael Beah's mega-selling A Long Way Gone, a memoir that recently has been questioned as to its accuracy.

The rest of the story . . .

Nic Sheff's impressive memoir, Tweak: Growing Up on Methamphetamines (Ginee Seo Books, Simon and Schuster, $16.99), also comes out this month. It fills in salacious gaps in his father's tale and details what was really going on when his dad looked the other way.

Certain he can stop taking all drugs any time, erudite Nic is perplexed by his irrational desire to do meth and heroin, even after managing months of sobriety. Therapy and the 12 Steps finally help.

He's very likable, and it's fun to try to figure out the pseudonymous celebrities and artsy types with whom he rubs elbows.

* Overall grade: A. Another addicting read.

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