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PEARSON: Dogs are really in driver's seat now

By Mike Pearson, Rocky Mountain News (Contact)

Published February 9, 2008 at 12:05 a.m.

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My long-standing disdain for people who drive around with dogs in the backs of their pickups now has a companion: lap-dog drivers.

In recent months, I've encountered a number of motorists driving with dogs in their laps. What are these people thinking? Not only are dogs distracting, but they don't make good air bags.

One lady I pulled beside was hand-feeding her dog, though for a moment it looked as if she was applying mascara to it. It might have been funny if the dog didn't look like the late Tammy Faye Messner. A tube top and some earrings and it could've entered a drag show.

Another lady was simply talking to her pet, which was dressed in a thick sweater that looked as if it had been made by 8-year- olds in a Himalayan sweatshop.

Most recently I was navigating some snow ruts when a guy went speeding past with a dachshund on his lap. Or maybe it was a baby seal.

The dog looked terrified, imploring me with its cartoon-size eyes to call the cops, the ASPCA or even Ellen Degeneres.

It's not a matter of disliking dogs; I own several, though I wouldn't let a one of them drive.

It's more a matter of canine codependency. If you can't drive to the store with a poodle affixed to the steering wheel, you need help.

You don't see cat people driving around like that, do you? Of course not. One honk of the horn and you'd have to peel the cat off the roof racks.

I once took a cat to the vet and it got out of its carrier en route. It took me 20 minutes to coax it from under the seat. Thank God I always travel with a can of tuna, a cattle prod and some birdcalls.

Some cities, like Tulsa, have enacted laws against pooch lap rides. Tickets are $120. In Alberta, Canada, you can be fined $402 for the same thing. A bill in Virginia forbidding such transport is pending. And why, in Miami, is it illegal to give a lighted cigarette to a cat or a dog but not to drive with a pet in your lap? Blame it on the heat.

States and cities pass all kinds of crazy laws regarding animals, if you believe everything you see on the Internet. A Maryland law prohibits lions from attending the theater. In Oklahoma it's against the law to get a fish drunk.

In Hartford, Conn., it's illegal to educate a dog. In Santa Ana, Calif., it's illegal for a horse to sleep in a bakery. (It's also illegal to swim on dry land in Santa Ana. Go figure.)

The Colorado city of Sterling once had a law that made it illegal to let a pet cat run loose without a taillight. A Denver law made it illegal to perform acrobatics that might frighten horses. Pity. I was hoping to do some cartwheels during the next stock-show parade.

Paris Hilton made it fashionable to carry a dog in a purse. Leave it to those in a lower tax bracket to turn their laps into doggy car seats.

And how exactly do you get a fish drunk?

pearsonm@RockyMountainNews.com or 303-954-2592