Money can't buy you class

By Lisa Bornstein, Rocky Mountain News (Contact)

Published April 1, 2008 at 3 p.m.
Updated April 2, 2008 at 10:33 a.m.

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Photo by Jay Sullivan / Bravo

From left, Ramona Singer, Jill Zarin, LuAnn DeLesseps, Bethenny Frankel and Alex McCord.

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Old money doesn't do reality TV.

That axiom - nay, ironclad fact - underlies both the fallacy and the delicious schadenfreude that is the heart of Bravo's The Real Housewives of New York City (8 p.m. Tuesdays), a knockoff only in the sense that the participants are thin and, ostensibly, female. None will ever be confused with a Vanderbilt or an Astor. If any of them owns a copy of Emily Post, it's only for smacking the help upside the head. Their arriviste natures, laden with money but only a smattering of the disregard the truly entitled show for it, make for repellent and fascinating watching. The most fun: Watching several of the women desperately trying to climb the social ladder, not realizing that if you have to climb, you will never reach the top. The suspects:

Alex McCord

This Kansas transplant is trying so hard you can smell the flop sweat through the TV screen. She and her Australian husband, Simon - a man not unaware that everyone, including the audience, thinks he's gay - are busily trying to get their two children, Johann and Francois, into private school. Also, Johann and Francois have a nanny to teach them French, although neither parent speaks French to them. Because in the 2008 United States, nothing is so important as French.

* The evidence that they are far from upper crust: They live in Brooklyn. They drop nearly $100,000 on a single shopping trip in St. Barth's (old money wears old clothes). They're down to their 16th choice of private schools. Also: They're from Kansas and Australia.

* Telling quote: (Simon, examining a new purchase) "It's a Hungarian designer. Zac de' . . . oh, that's the cleaning instructions."

Jill Zarin

One of the most likable of the housewives, Zarin also seems most entrenched in New York society by dint of her tireless energy. She's also trying to make her second husband and her daughter become friends. And she gets her feelings hurt when other friends neglect her. Jill has a lot of money, but other than sending her daughter to a nutritional detox center (at 14, Ally may be the show's most sympathetic female) to shed a little baby fat, she puts it in perspective.

* The evidence against her: Girlfriend has an extraordinary Long Island accent, which itself is a guarantee of dismissal from the most exclusive circles. She and her husband run a discount upholstery store on the Lower East Side (not exactly Brooks Brothers). Also, she freely shows emotion and affection.

* Telling quote (to LuAnn's riding daughter): "I want to see you wear a Pucci jacket. The horse doesn't know the difference."

Ramona Singer

Ramona. Darling. How did you end up on this show and not Real Housewives of Passaic, N.J.? Seriously, I'm fascinated. The housewives of Orange County are looking at you and thinking, "Tawdry." Your poor, preppy daughter looks aghast as you flounce out of the house in clothes Forever 21 thinks look cheap, and force her to see a child talent scout even though the girl doesn't want to miss school. Bad mom. Bad rich lady. Just bad.

* The evidence: Ramona is very proud of making her own money, but she does it by wholesaling overstock clothing. She met her husband, Mario, when he said, "Aren't you the girl that wears the black G-string with the green ruffle?" She pimps out her daughter.

* Telling quote: "I believe New Yorkers who live in New York, there is a chicness about us."

LuAnn DeLesseps

See, I've already gone and made her mad. I didn't call her Countess. LuAnn married a real live count. And the truth is, she's the closest thing to society on here. Not because of her title. But because her digs at the other women are subtle, and she never loses her cool.

* The evidence against her: She's a former model. She treats the help like medieval serfs. And she only refers to her husband as the Count. One, two, three strikes . . . mwahahahaha!

* Telling quote (LuAnn's gift is for saying the exact opposite of what her tone conveys): "That would be fun."

Bethenny Frankel

Bethenny, you're the least pretentious of the bunch. A natural foods chef, you call the other women on their absurdity and actually seem to work at your career. Your dad was a legendary horse trainer, yet you eschew the Hamptons.

* The evidence against her: She's a reality show vet, having come in second on the Martha Stewart version of The Apprentice. In a world where all the women reveal their roots merely by allowing TV crews to follow them around, she has the most apparent agenda. Also, she's not married and doesn't have kids - so is she really a housewife?

* Telling quote (to Alex, as her husband frets over shoes): "Oh my God. Tell him he's in the midst of a deep homosexual panic."

Do they measure up?

If these women are socialites, someone ought to tell New York society. Sure, they go to lots of benefits - you only need money for that. But New York magazine did a little crunching of the society pages and found that only one was a regular.

Everyone but Bethenny had made it into newyorksocialdiary.com, a virtual register of the overly preserved. But Jill was the big winner, appearing in multiple New York gossip columns and 19 times on NYSD.

Still, before we call these women socialites, we need to see a building with one of their names on it.

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