LINCICOME: 'Bernies' celebrate an odd year

'Bernies' celebrate an odd year

By Bernie Lincicome, Rocky Mountain News (Contact)

Published December 29, 2007 at 12:45 a.m.

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Time again to pass along the coveted "Bernies," the annual awards designed to sum up just what kind of year it was in sports.

A drumroll, please.

* The Poseidon Award: To the good ship Rockies, for turning their season, and the world of baseball, upside down.

* And an Old Fogy Shall Lead Them Award: To graybeard Brett Favre and the very, very young Green Bay Packers. (A Sub-Bernie to the Broncos, who tried to do it the other way around.)

* Listen, If I Really Wanted to Cheat, I Would Use an iPhone Award: To New England coach Bill Belichick for stealing defensive signals from the Jets, one of the worst defensive teams in football.

* They Call Me Pacman but My Real Name is Brainless Award: To every athlete involved in incidents that invariably began with the words "Strip Club."

* Now, If Only They Could Do Something About Traveling and Palming the Ball Award: To the NBA for forcing freshmen to play college basketball.

* And Yet He Never Called Traveling or Palming the Ball Award: To NBA official Tim Donaghy, who was able to bet on NBA games he officiated without looking any more incompetent than all the other refs.

* On the Other Hand, She'll Get to Keep Her Mother's Day Cards Award: To Marion Jones, stripped of her Olympic medals, her dignity and her laughter.

* Now Pitching to Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens Award: Throw the book, the record book, at the whole phony bunch of them.

* At Least Anna Kournikova Wasn't Hired to Save Tennis Award: To soccer pinup David Beckham, who came to America to rescue soccer and played the equivalent of 21/2 games.

* The Only Other Soccer Story Besides Beckham Award: To the U.S. women's team for losing 4-0 to Brazil in the World Cup after the starting goalie, Hope Solo, was benched by coach Greg Ryan and she complained so loudly that her teammates banned her from accepting the bronze medal.

* You Can Be Batman Tonight, but Tomorrow You Have to Be Robin Award: To the Nuggets' Allen Iverson and his running mate Carmelo Anthony.

* Uh, I Guess They Must Not Have Heard of Moccasins Award: To Nike for designing a shoe specifically for the American Indian foot.

* And the Rockies Forgot to Vote a World Series Share to Either Umpire Award: To San Diego manager Bud Black for throwing one of his best players, Milton Bradley, to the ground to keep him from attacking first base ump Mike Winters, tearing Bradley's ACL after Winters called Bradley a name, thereby eventually costing the Padres the pennant. (Another sub- Bernie to ump Tim McClelland for letting Matt Holliday score without touching home plate.)

* If Michael Vick Didn't Kill Barbaro, He Wanted to Award: To every animal agonizer who has less concern for human suffering than that of a goldfish.

* I'm Sorry, Coach, Could You Go Over that Pregame Pep Talk Again, Please? Award: To the NFL for banning cheerleaders from warming up near the visiting team's locker room.

* Steroids, She Obviously Don't Need No Stinkin' Steroids Award: To pencil-armed No. 1 tennis imp Justine Henin.

* If They Fix a Tennis Match and No One, Not Even the Russian Mafia, is Watching, Does It Still Count Award: To Nikolay Davydenko and his suddenly sore foot.

* Well, I Guess My 66 Home Runs are Now the Record Award: To Sammy Sosa, whose name does not appear in the Mitchell Report.

* Yogi Was Wrong, It is Way Over Before It's Over Award: To the Texas Rangers for beating the Baltimore Orioles 30-3. In baseball.

* But On the Other Hand She is Now a High School Graduate Award: To Michelle Wie, who went from dreaming of playing in the Masters with Tiger Woods to needing four strokes a side just to stay even with Brittany Lincicome.

* Never Let Them See You Sweat Award: To the NHL for insisting on sleeker uniforms that keep player perspiration inside.

* Whew, At Least We're Not Playing Florida Award: To Ohio State for idling into the BCS title game against LSU after losing the national title in both football and basketball to the Gators.

* Yes, They Did Dig Up George Gipp, and What's More They Could Have Put Him in the Notre Dame Backfield and No One Would Have Noticed Award: To the Irish for a 3-8 season with losses to both Navy and Air Force.

* There's Not Enough Sympathy in the World Award: To the sports fan - and you know who you are - for putting up with another year of this.

lincicomeb@RockyMountainNews.com

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