Laws against reason

By Jennifer Rosen, Rocky Mountain News (Contact)

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

In Fairbanks, Alaska, it's illegal to serve liquor to a moose. By contrast, in Ohio it's legal to serve booze to a fish, but not if you get it drunk.

Ever since the repeal of Prohibition, alcohol laws in this country have been a bit nutty.

Take the business of bars. Some states mandate sitting, while others require standing at the bar to drink. Texans may take up to but not more than three sips of beer while standing. Some jurisdictions require the interior of public drinking establishments to be visible from the street; others specifically prohibit that.

In Iowa it's illegal to run a tab. And don't even think of having a drop after closing hours there - not even if you own the bar. It's hard to imagine the incident that led to Iowa's law stating that if an employee pours water down the drain while a police officer is drinking at the bar, the water is considered an alcoholic beverage intended for unlawful purposes.

Bars and restaurants in North Dakota are forbidden to serve beer and pretzels at the same time. Nebraska bars may not sell beer except when simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.

If you skip the bar and head to a liquor store in Indiana, you won't find any soda or milk in the cooler. They may, however, sell warm soft drinks. In California, no alcoholic beverages may be displayed within 5 feet of a cash register if the store sells both alcohol and motor fuel. Presumably so you don't confuse your Colt 45 with your 10W40.

Philosophical drinkers in Houston might ponder the fact that it's illegal to buy beer after midnight Sunday but perfectly all right any time Monday, which starts - that's right - right after midnight Sunday.

The law considers some things best left unsaid. Like the word refreshing, prohibited on any alcoholic beverage in the country. The newsletters and ads of California producers may not list retailers or restaurants that sell their products.

In New York City, the word saloon is forbidden, a fact that restaurateur Michael O'Neil didn't realize until his sign was already up. Patrons now belly up to the bar of O'Neil's Baloon.

Legislators are adamant about protecting children under 21 from the demon rum. In Missouri, if your kid takes out the trash and it contains even one empty wine bottle, he can be charged with illegal possession of alcohol. In Michigan, it's illegal for a youngster to give a grown-up a bottle of booze. Pretty lenient, considering that in Kentucky even an adult could spend five years in jail for sending a gift of beer, wine or spirits to a friend.

If the friend were in Texas, he might have a long wait, anyway, considering that delivery drivers carrying anything alcoholic must detour around the state's dry counties. Could this sort of clarity of thinking have anything to do with the fact that the entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a recipe for making beer that could be used at home?

If you decide to send your youngster on a semester abroad to absorb some foreign common sense, don't imagine he'll get a taste of wine in Bordeaux or beer at the Hoffbrau Haus. The Drug Free Schools and Campuses Act prohibits Americans under 21 from conforming to the drinking laws and customs of their host countries.

Enough to make you sit down on the curb and cry. Which is perfectly legal in St. Louis, as long as, while you're sitting there, you don't also drink beer from a bucket.

If you like this story, be glad you live in Colorado and not Maryland, as this reporter would be unlikely to pass that state's stringent requirements concerning wine writers. Not only are they restricted to three bottles per brand of product samples, but they must first be certified as experts by an agency of the state.

Jester@corkjester.com

Recommended

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* Gallo Family Sonoma Reserve Pinot Grigio 2005 (U.S.), $15

* Buccci Verdicchio di Castello di Jesi 2005 (Italy), $16

* Warwick Stellenbosch Sauvignon Blanc 2006 (South Africa), $17

RED

* Miner Merlot 2004 (U.S.), $35

* La Valentina Mont Binomio Montepulciano d'Abbruzo 2002 (Italy), $44

* Donum Pinot Noir 2003 (U.S.), $50

* Ramey Cabernet Sauvignon Jericho Canyon 2003 (U.S.), $96

• December 30, 2007

  8:46 a.m.

  Suggest removal

  jeffB writes:

  The Encyclopedia Britannica is perfectly legal in Texas, or else the Texas State Library and Archives Commission is in big trouble:

  http://www.texshare.edu/k12/eb2007.html

  If the word "saloon" is "forbidden" in New York City, a lot of businesses are in trouble, too:

  http://maps.google.com/maps?hl=en&...

  Did you know that Colorado residents can get up to thirty days in jail for fact-checking a news article?

• December 30, 2007

  9:39 a.m.

  Suggest removal

  griceoli writes:

  Brewing beer at home is not illegal in Texas. There are many home-brewed vendor stores that specialize in selling ingredients to brew beer.

• December 30, 2007

  9:53 a.m.

  Suggest removal

  vudumom writes:

  I guess Jennifer Rosen didn't do her homework. She probably copied it from another source that is full of misinformation. Not anything new at the RMN.

• December 30, 2007

  10:21 a.m.

  Suggest removal

  Manny writes:

  Can someone explain to me just one more time again the difference between a blog and responsible journalism? I keep forgetting, even though I know that those responsible journalism outlets have much higher overhead and therefore have to come up with a different revenue model. I thought the difference might have had to do with the relative amount of confidence one can place in each source, but that's pretty clearly not it.

• December 30, 2007

  1:58 p.m.

  Suggest removal

  mudshark writes:

  It sounds like the writer copied all of this from one of those hoax emails that floats around the internet.

  And I know for a fact that you cannot buy beer at 12:01 AM on a Monday morning in Texas (unless you're in a bar, of course).

  And she also forgot our very own: In Colorado, liquor stores are not allowed to open on Sundays and you can only buy 3.2 beer in grocery stores.

• December 31, 2007

  1:34 a.m.

  Suggest removal

  Jimminy writes:

  And the most fruitcake law hereabouts....The Colorado Clean Air Act.

• December 31, 2007

  7:37 a.m.

  Suggest removal

  brolin_1911a1 writes:

  One wonders about the accuracy of an article by a reporter who doesn't know the difference between motor oil (10W40) and motor fuel, i.e., gasoline or kerosene.

• January 1, 2008

  10:38 a.m.

  Suggest removal

  ladycat writes:

  The Britannica sells here in Texas, and is in schools and libraries. You can also buy beermaking books (or borrow them from the library), and you can buy beermaking supplies. LOTS of people in Texas make their own beer and wine. Even in dry counties it's legal to make your own.

  I'm in a dry Texas county and it doesn't stop the beer trucks from driving through. Dry just means you can't sell it. It doesn't mean you can't possess it.

• January 1, 2008

  3:12 p.m.

  Suggest removal

  HolierThanThou writes:

  This is what happens when a wine expert drinks tequila. She first becomes amazingly witty, then irresistible to men, followed by bullet-proof, and finally invisible.

  Maybe Jennifer Rosen is related to Mike Rosen, another notorious crackpot who makes up "facts" to fit his case.

  The fifth phase of tequila undoes the fourth phase and is more persistent. The besotted victim goes into politics and passes legislation much like the stuff we saw in the article. Many strange laws are are on the books but rarely enforced. The police have difficultly believing that they aren't a joke or lack the resources to deal with this crap.

  If every law in America was enforced 100% of the time, at least 99.9% of us would be locked up in jail sharing cells with the cops and district attorneys that put us there. The only Americans who would be free are already shut-ins who never leave the house. And a few of them would need to be rounded up for making loud bodily noises with the window open or not filing some paper with the appropriate bureau.

  If you ever bothered to read some of the bad bills that get floated at the statehouse or in congress, this article is easy to take on its face.