A bureaucrat worth a million laughs

Eric Bergman is the go-to guy for a dose of humor

By Lynn Bartels, Rocky Mountain News (Contact)

Published December 24, 2007 at 12:30 a.m.

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Photo by Javier Manzano / The Rocky

Eric Bergman, director of the Office of Smart Growth for the Colorado Department of Local Affairs, has made his mark with his eagerly awaited annual Christmas letter.

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He's been called the Jon Stewart of state government and the king of one-liners.

Eric Bergman admits his dream job would be writing for the satirical newspaper, The Onion, but he's happy at the Colorado Department of Local Affairs, where he delights in painting himself as just another bureaucrat.

As if.

Bergman is the go-to guy for material when someone in the political arena, liberal or conservative, is roasted. Even former Gov. Bill Owens - no slouch in the humor department himself - called on Bergman now and then.

And when a longtime friend recently went to work for an oil-and-gas company, Bergman presented him a book with a handmade cover: Raping the Earth for Dummies.

But it's his annual Christmas letter, eagerly awaited by his legion of fans, where Bergman has made his mark.

"They're the highlight of my holiday season, I can tell you that," said Mike Beasley, who served as director of Local Affairs before going to Xcel Energy. "Eric has the best sense of humor of anyone I've met."

The Christmas letters recount the year's highlights for the Bergman family: Eric, 41, Sandra, 38, and their two boys, Cole, 8, and Porter, 5.

"People love them," Bergman said. "They forward them to people I don't even know. And I actually have a friend who frames them and puts them in the bathroom to read year round."

He's been writing the holiday letters for 10 years, and many sport some sort of theme. One year, the letter was a spoof on the show Behind the Music.

Last year, the letter was written in newspaper style and included this entry:

Bergman goes under the knife again

"Eric Bergman spent a week in October rehabbing from his second surgery in three years - this time for a bone spur in his wrist. It was Eric's first experience with a plastic surgeon since he had his boobs done back in '98."

This year the letter is a blog written by the Bergmans' cat, Luna.

Bergman grew up in Woodland Park and graduated from high school in 1985. He was voted "class clown" and "most likely to succeed."

He got a degree in philosophy - "much to the chagrin of my father" - from the University of Colorado, then got a master's in environmental studies from Evergreen State College in Olympia, Wash.

"It was so hippyish at Evergreen it made Boulder look like Bob Jones University," Bergman said with a laugh.

He has worked for the state for six years and is now the director of the Office of Smart Growth. "A true believer," as his friends call him, Bergman takes RTD from his home in Westminster to his office near the Capitol - unless he's on the road, which is quite a bit.

Bergman likens himself to Kung Fu's David Carradine, "only I wander the state trying to promote the ideas of smart growth."

Not to mention that the words "impact fees" come up far more often than "grasshopper."

Bergman is known for his Top 10 lists.

When the policy director at the Colorado Department of Transportation left, Bergman co-wrote a Top 10 list of items found in her desk:

Bracelet with "WWJP" engraved on it (What Would Jesus Pave?)

When Owens' first chief of staff, tough guy Roy Palmer, left, Bergman developed another Top 10 left-in-the-desk list that included:

Necklace of human ears he wore on casual Fridays

Former Owens staffer Chris Castilian has known Bergman since their days together at Colorado Counties Inc. Castilian said he's got "a million stories" about Bergman. Here's one:

Bergman was making a presentation to metro-area mayors. The speaker before him had gone without a microphone and Bergman assumed he would, too.

"Well, as he walks up to give his speech, they stick this mic in his hand," Castilian recalled. "Keep in mind he's in front of all of these mayors. He starts singing What's New Pussycat? like some cheesy Vegas lounge singer.

"You can imagine the looks on their faces."

bartels@RockyMountainNews.com or 303-954-5327

So you think your Christmas newsletter is funny?

Each year, funny guy Eric Bergman comes up with a new theme for his Christmas letter detailing the highlights of the year with his wife, Sandra, and their two young sons, Cole and Porter. Some highlights:

2007 - KITTY LETTER, THE OFFICIAL BLOG OF LUNA THE CAT

* We are in full holiday mode around here. As she is wont to do this time of year, Sandra has turned our otherwise lovely abode into a garish holiday abomination. It looks like a frankincense and myrrh grenade went off in our living room. Liberace wept, folks.

* In a tragic lapse of judgment, Eric signed up for the Leadville 100 Mountain Bike Race in August.

Eric made his way down from the mountains just in time to join Sandra, who was five Cape Cods into her 20-year high school reunion. Turns out back in high school, Sandra was voted "Most Likely to Marry Beneath Her."

2006 - THE BERGMAN CHRONICLES

* Bergmans Invade San Luis Valley Memorial Day Weekend found the Bergmans road tripping down to the Alamosa area to tour the Colorado Gator Farm. When Porter tried to climb up on a chair and almost fell over the edge of the viewing platform, his parents rushed to grab him. "My main concern was for the safety of the alligators," said a shaken Sandra Bergman later. "Give Porter two minutes in that swamp and you could open a Samsonite luggage outlet."

2002 - TBC: THE BERGMAN CHANNEL

* 5 a.m. Survivor Westminster Sandra loses a reward challenge and is forced to get up at 5 a.m. and take part in Cole's sunrise ritual of Pop Tarts and repeated viewings of It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. Rated A for "Alarm clock, who needs an alarm clock?"

* 10 a.m. CSI - Commode Scene Investigation The family is thrilled when Cole becomes potty trained before his third birthday. In a scene that will tug at your heartstrings, Eric places Cole's Ranger Rick magazine next to his Sports Illustrated in the bathroom.

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