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Our Claus celebre

By Mike Pearson, Rocky Mountain News (Contact)

Published December 13, 2007 at 8:43 p.m.

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Can you pick out the famous movie Santas that help make up our St. Nick mosaic? They range from Chevy Chase in <em>National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation</em> to Tim Allen in <em>The Santa Clause</em> to "Mini Me" Verne Troyer in <em>Jingle All the Way</em>. And that burly-looking dude? Why, it's Hulk Hogan, of course, flexing his way through 1996's <em>Santa With Muscles</em>.

Photo by Primary Photo By Martti Kainulainen / AFP/Getty Images; photo illustration by Chas Chamberlin/The Rocky

Can you pick out the famous movie Santas that help make up our St. Nick mosaic? They range from Chevy Chase in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation to Tim Allen in The Santa Clause to "Mini Me" Verne Troyer in Jingle All the Way. And that burly-looking dude? Why, it's Hulk Hogan, of course, flexing his way through 1996's Santa With Muscles.

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Sure, you've probably sat through Christmas movies like Miracle on 34th Street or It's a Wonderful Life a time or two - or 12. And what with TBS' annual 24-hour marathon showing of A Christmas Story each year, we won't even try to estimate the number of times you've watched Ralphie get his Red Rider Air Rifle. But what about Santa Versus the Martians? Or slasher flick Black Christmas?

Mike's Christmas favorites

Rocky pop culture writer Mike Pearson weighs in with his picks.

* Miracle on 34th Street (1947): Edmund Gwenn, Natalie Wood and Maureen O'Hara star in the classic about a man claiming to be Santa and how the spirit of Christmas triumphs over commercial self-interests.

* National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989): The third Vacation flick rekindles the magic of the original, as Chevy Chase plays harried Clark Griswald and Randy Quaid does solid work as annoying Cousin Eddie who makes the holidays harrowing.

* The Polar Express (2004): Robert Zemeckis directs and Tom Hanks stars in an animated tale of a boy who doesn't believe in Christmas, until a train pulls into his yard Christmas Eve and whisks him to the North Pole. Terrific animation and a heartfelt message about belief in the unseen.

* The Santa Clause (1994): I like this delightful tale starring Tim Allen as a grumpy ad salesman who must don the Santa suit when he accidentally kills St. Nick on Christmas Eve. Allen's character fights it all the way, then gets the Christmas spirit. Don't let the worthless sequels turn you off to the original.

* The Bishop's Wife (1947): Forget the 1996 remake (The Preacher's Wife with a pre- druggie Whitney Houston). This original tale stars Cary Grant as an angel sent to help a bishop (David Niven) raise funds for a new church. He also brings love back into the life of the preacher's wife (Loretta Young). It sparkles with holiday and human sentiment.

Lumps of coal

* Bad Santa (2003): Billy Bob Thornton as an oft- drunk Santa and Tony Cox as his foul-mouthed elf. They get jobs at various shopping malls, then rob the stores on Christmas Eve.

* Black Christmas (1974): This is the forerunner of all those teen slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s. The killings start in a sorority house and radiate from there.

* Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964): Aliens abduct Santa because they don't have one of their own. A very young Pia Zadora co-stars.

* Santa with Muscles (1996): Hulk Hogan dons the jolly man's red suit and sings. Sounds more like Dante's ninth circle of hell.

* The Nativity Story (2006): Keisha Castle-Hughes is the Virgin Mary in this listless tale of Jesus' birth. She was more believable riding whales than going into labor.

* Prancer (1989): A little girl comes across a reindeer with a broken leg. Guess who? Does she shoot it and make stew? Nope.

* A Christmas Story (1983): I refuse to jump on the bandwagon for this perennial favorite about a kid who wants a BB gun for Christmas, despite Darren McGavin's terrific turn as a crusty father with a fetish for a stockinged leg lamp.

Christmas quotes

"Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip."

Gary Allan

"The only real blind person at Christmas- time is he who has not Christmas in his heart."

Helen Keller

"When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?"

G.K. Chesterton

"There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child."

Erma Bombeck

"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven."

W.C. Fields

"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year."

Victor Borge

Santa around the world

Here's what the jolly old man is called around the world:

* China: Shengdan Laoren

* Morocco: Black Peter

* Russia: Called Grandfather Frost, he's always accompanied by his granddaughter Snegurochka (Snow girl)

* Netherlands: Kerstman

* Finland: Joulupukki

All I want for Christmas . . .

Some of the more unusual items mall Santas have been asked for, based on a survey by Auntie Anne's Pretzels:

* Giraffes, pigs, elephants and penguins

* Cookbooks for Mom, because she can't cook very well

* A new sibling because kids don't care for the one they have

* To live on the moon

* A real chain saw

* For Santa to marry mommy