Thorn: 'American Idol' for writers? What next?

Published April 14, 2007 at midnight

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You've been Sanjayaed. You've gloried with Lakisha as she belts her big-breasted heart out. And mourned with Gina, as her lips quivered while her heart was breaking.

In other words, along with 30 million other viewers, you've watched American Idol week after week and finally, like other wannabe authors, you've asked yourself the big question: Hey, what about me?

OK, maybe I can't sing, but I sure as heck can write like my soul is on fire. When's my moment in the sun?

Well, grab a pen and plane to England. If a rumor going around the Internet is true, your day is on its way. The Web site Reality TV Magazine, among others, recently reported that the writer's equivalent of American Idol will begin airing on British TV in July. According to the site, writers will pitch their book ideas to a panel of judges; the winner will land a publishing contract.

And if that's not enough to get your heart pumping like Paula lusting after a hunky young contestant, get this: one of the judges reportedly is Simon Cowell's older brother Tony.

Yep, you read that right. And might I just add: Isn't life great?

No telling when, or if, this incredibly implausible idea will hit America - but probably long after Sanjaya is working cruise ships . . . as a hairdresser. Still, it brings on more thought. There must be a zillion other reality or game-type shows that could be tailor-made to spotlight the long-suffering, much-ignored writers of America. In fact, here's a few ideas I've managed to come up with all on my own.

Fear Factor

Just like the show, contestants would fight their worst fears for the jackpot. In my writers' version, producers would corral a bunch of wannabe authors in a room with -Joyce Carol Oates .

Their challenge? To pump out a completed novel before the prolific author. Losers have to eat a cow's intestines blended to a chunky consistency. Either that, or their own hearts out.

Deal or no Deal

One writer-contestant each week chooses various aluminum cases with publishing deals in them, hoping the last case he opens contains a six- figure advance for his new novel, one his editor has praised as "groundbreaking" and "stirring."

More often, though, it contains only a note saying the publisher has been purchased by a European conglomerate, his editor has been canned and the new boss, well, she just isn't behind his book anymore. Instead of a million dollars, he goes home with a lousy $2,500 advance and a chip on his shoulder.

Survivor

This is where we put Da Vinci Code author -Dan Brown on a deserted island with a group of acclaimed writers that will never, if they live to be 140, see any of their books sell 50 million copies - say, Philip Roth, Cormac McCarthy, Don DeLillo and Ian McEwan.

And, just for fun, let's throw pap artist Mitch Albom (Tuesdays With Morrie) into the mix.

Who will be left standing at the end of the show? Can't say. But I'm guessing it isn't long before Albom and Brown are contemplating the five people they'd like to meet in heaven.

The Biggest Loser

Authors shed insecurities instead of pounds. The winner is the one who comes out sounding most like Norman Mailer.

The Bachelor

A handsome poet woos a bevy of beautiful women by reading them his own love sonnets.

But instead of the man finally offering his dream girl an engagement ring, this show has a slightly different twist: He ends up with whichever girl is willing to cast her lot with a poet, after everyone else has made a beeline for the nearest doctor, lawyer - or even disheveled, unemployed actor.

Temptation Island

Writers are taken to a beautiful deserted island where they are free to work on their latest book.

But there's a fearsome challenge waiting for them: Nearby, there's a cupboard of Cheez Doodles and a plant that needs watering.

Identity

As in the popular new game show, a contestant tries to match 12 strangers with the list of 12 traits that identify them. But in our writer version, the task is especially difficult, as every stranger is James Frey.

The Amazing Race

In this adventure show, writers are given a limited amount of money, then told to complete difficult feats and jump through impossible hoops, all while making a mad dash toward some distant, dazzling payoff. In other words, they simply continue their normal, daily existence.

OK, readers.The lines are open. Cast the ballot for your favorite show at 800-I-HAVE-TOO-MUCH-TIME-ON-MY-HANDS. Or call Tony Cowell. If my predictions for his crazy show prove true, I'm guessing it's just a matter of months before he has plenty of time to answer the phone.

Patti Thorn is the books editor. thornp@RockyMountainNews.com 303-954-5419.

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