Ryckman: Slim on substance

Most fad diet books simply light reading

Published February 21, 2006 at midnight

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There's nothing yummier than a bad diet book. They are irresistible; I can't seem to devour them fast enough. I've hardly finished consuming one when another flies in the door. There are so many on my desk, in fact, that I could construct a lovely vacation home in the mountains out of them. I have some good diet books, too, and I review a couple of them here, but those aren't nearly as delicious. For the most part, the sensible ones all say the same thing: If you wanna lose weight, burn more calories than you consume. Most people would rather set their hair on fire - and that's exactly what these folks are counting on. Here's a look at some doozies, along with a couple of plans that might actually be worth a second look:

The QOD Diet

by Dr. John T. Daugirdas

• The hook: Eating Quaque - Latin for every; Other - English for other; Die - Latin for day (or English for die, which is what this diet might make you feel like doing).

The skinny: If you don't like tomatoes you won't like this diet, which the author acknowledges might not work and could even be dangerous. Don't try it if you have medical problems, an eating disorder or take meds for heart disease, diabetes, hypertension or stroke - in short, if you suffer from any of the myriad health problems often associated with being unpleasingly plump. But for the fat and fearless (or foolish), here's the drill: alternate 400-calorie days (the "off" day) with 2,000-2,600-calorie days (the "on" day). A typical "off" day starts with an 8-ounce glass of tomato juice, 12 ounces of water, a cup of coffee and 25 calories' worth of veggies or fruit. If you're feeling woozy around noon but can still sit up, treat yourself to more tomato juice and water - a combo that Daugirdas says can be as "satiating as a good spaghetti dinner," at least on his home planet. Got cravings? Go crazy! Splurge with 10 calories' worth of cheese - it's easy to see if you use a magnifying glass. Or how about a big, juicy lettuce leaf topped with salsa? Or one-quarter teaspoon of peanut butter? Gnawing your arm off around dinnertime? Try 40 calories' worth of green beans topped with tomato sauce. There's a photo for people who have have trouble visualizing it, and trust me, it looks every bit as appetizing as you might imagine. A typical "on" day: it's supposed to be around 2,000 calories, but I suspect most people would frantically stuff their faces with anything remotely edible. Daugirdas says you're not supposed to try this diet if you have an eating disorder? This diet is an eating disorder.

• Might work for: healthy, tomato-loving masochists.

How the Rich Get Thin

by Dr. Jana Klauer

• The hook: Even a poor slob like you can lose weight, but it'd be a heckuva lot easier if you had some dough.

• The skinny: Are you a lady who lunches where the power elite like to eat? Welcome to the world of the Klauer Plan, a low-carb, high-protein, calcium-rich diet sprinkled with the foibles of Manhattan's rich and famous. Take Dianne - please. When she arrived at Klauer's Park Avenue doorstep, this "dynamic mover and shaker in the world of public relations" had lost her zip; she was fat, fatigued and flaky. "For a woman accustomed to being in the limelight, this was a most unhappy state of affairs," Klauer confides breathlessly. Fortunately for Dianne, her assistant became adept at calling restaurants in advance to ask for crudités instead of a bread basket on her table. And Dianne, no slouch herself, figured out how to resist the urge to pile pasta onto her plate at uber-trendy Rao's restaurant, where food is served family-style. Dodging Rao's calorie-laden platters won't be a problem for almost anyone else; Klauer reminds us twice in two sentences that it's impossible for mere mortals to get reservations.

• Might work for: people who can get a reservation at Rao's or, better yet, don't even need one to get in.

The Coconut Diet

by Cherie Calbom

• The hook: Put coconut oil in everything.

• The skinny: Sure, coconut oil is ridiculously high in saturated fat, but nutritionist and juicing guru Cherie Calbom says if you add two to three tablespoons to a low-carb diet every day, you'll not only lose weight but fix your thyroid, clear up that skin condition and end PMS forever. And while you're at it, how about cleansing that ratty ol' colon/kidney/liver/gallbladder and smoothing out those cottage-cheesy thighs? More good news - exercise merits merely a passing mention! I couldn't possibly follow this oily Atkins-style diet, but I love the sound of it so much I might just have to marry it.

• Might work for: anybody who thinks coconuts get a bad rap.

Skinny Bitch

by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin

• The hook: Stop eating junk and start looking fabulous!

• The skinny: Smoking is so 1989 and totally uncool; beer makes you fat, bloated and gassy; soda is liquid Satan; caffeine is for wimps. You can find some excellent advice, good resource lists and sound nutritional principles in here, but they're smothered in self-righteous soap-boxing about animal cruelty and chemical-laden hot dogs. To give you an idea: A chapter about the low-carb craze is titled "The Dead, Rotting, Decomposing Flesh Diet." A sometimes amusing, sometimes annoying bully of a book with an attitude on every page and a potentially obnoxious political agenda.

• Might work for: women who like having a snotty, know-it-all girlfriend boss them around.

Fat Is Not Your Fate

by Susan Mitchell and Catherine Christie

• The hook: You don't have to be as fat as your mother.

• The skinny: Do you know what phenotype you are? Do you have any idea what in God's name a phenotype is? Dietitians Mitchell and Christie tell us that "phenotypes" are the physical manifestations of our genes, and from that point on, this book gets very earnest and vaguely Suessical. Are you little phenotype A, B, C, D, E or H? A is for addiction-linked weight gain, B is for high-blood- pressure-linked weight gain, C is cardiovascular, D is diabetes, E is emotional and H is hormone. (But what of l'il phenotypes F and G?) Each genetic link to weight gain has its own regimen, so this is actually six diet books in one, each slightly tweaked to address different links. There's some good stuff in here, including recipes and resource lists. But the bottom line is, eat less - lose weight.

• Might work for: people whose moms always said they were special.

The Jerusalem Diet

by Ted Haggard

• The hook: Svelte pastor preaches the gospel of guilt-free weight loss.

• The skinny: The idea here is that you determine your ideal weight, then lose whatever you need, one pound a week. The key to success is a digital scale: Weigh yourself every day at the same time, and if you're over your target weight for that week, it's a "Fat Day" - that means eat only fruits, veggies, nuts, seeds and water, and exercise for an hour. If you're at your target weight, eat what you want but keep it reasonable - you don't want to risk the fire and damnation of another Fat Day. If you're below your target weight, skip the exercise and splurge on Ding Dongs and pork rinds if that's what makes your little tum happy. This plan has promise - no recipes but lots of positive affirmation/self-help patter. Focus on a goal rather than stressing about all the things you shouldn't eat, and you might actually stick to it.

• Might work for: people whose idea of heaven is a life without fat days

The Sonoma Diet

by Dr. Connie Guttersen

• The hook: The Mediterranean diet meets Northern California.

• The skinny: This diet has a lot going for it, starting with bread. There are no tedious diet chores like counting calories or carbs and whatnot; instead, the whole thing is built around plates and portion size. For breakfast, fill your 7-inch plate with 25 percent grains and 75 percent protein. For dinner, split a 9-inch plate into 20 percent grains, 30 percent protein and 50 percent veggies. Naturally, there are phases - called "waves," even though Sonoma is landlocked - and recipes and recommendations built around 10 "Power Foods:" almonds, bell peppers, blueberries, broccoli, grapes, olive oil, spinach, strawberries, tomatoes and whole grains. This diet deserves a gold star for its portion- control approach and emphasis on wholesome food - even carbs. And two thumbs up for the glass of wine with dinner!

• Might work for: bread addicts who had abandoned all hope.

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