LINCICOME: Beckham will have to do much more than play well in America

Published July 20, 2007 at midnight

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COMMERCE CITY — For no apparent or permanent reason, something resembling soccer broke out here Thursday night, the game best simply defined as "a kick in the grass."

Another long ago definition offered by a since forgotten soccer hustler is, "If it moves, kick it. If doesn't move, kick it until it does."

I bring this up because such teaching tools are necessary for us soccer illiterates, still after all this time, after several failed soccer leagues, a World Cup hosting stint and now the latest visual aide, David Beckham and the most striking soccer mom of all, his wife, Posh.

It mattered very little that a bunch of grumps from Glasgow slummed against the peasants of America in what real soccer folks call "a friendly" and what Major League Soccer calls its All-Star Game, clearly an overstatement in both cases.

Just as the slogan of the evening, "MLS Takes on the World" is giving Celtic FC a bit more geography than it deserves, even considering that a team from Scotland is sprinkled with Polish and Dutch.

Without reason or explanation, the names on the uniforms seemed to insist the match was between the Sierra Mists and the Carlings. Clearly, there is still much to learn about the beautiful game.

How Beckham can make any of this more than the cottage sport soccer insists on remaining is unclear because sooner or later, Beckham is going to have to actually play the game rather than simply decorate it.

The idea of a celebrity creature being larger than his game endures only as long as he does not have to prove he is. As Alexi Lalas, who runs Beckham's new team in Los Angeles, tried to explain at halftime, "It gets lost in the hurricane that is David Beckham that he is not a robot but a human being."

Well, that is not the kind of news soccer wants to hear, and Beckham's bum ankle is delaying proof one way or the other.

With as much of the soccer world watching as can be expected Thursday, and the team from Glasgow half-heartedly participating in the evening (its goalie especially absent), the buzz was all Beckham.

Hints that he was about were preceded by the modest explanation that Beckham was an international icon and superstar, not that any such a thing could be confirmed.

His half stroll around Dick's Sporting Goods Park, dressed in a shiny suit and brown shoes, was all the crowd got to see of Beckham before he was whisked off to his special world, which is clearly not in the industrial suburbs of Denver.

Two conclusions may be drawn from his brief appearance as ornament of the evening; Beckham did not limp and he did not shave.

His only reason for dropping by seemed to be so he could be fawned over in a halftime interview on ESPN2, the usual kind of snivel the cable network uses with athletes they are in bed with.

In fact, that one duty for Beckham brought a bit of concern from Lalas, fending off questions about when Beckham would play and if the delay was not a worse case scenario.

"A worse case scenario," Lalas said, "is if he trips coming back from that interview."

The future of soccer in America used to hang on a housewife filling up her station wagon with soccer children. Now it rests on the fragile ankle of an immigrant.

While it is not always easy to understand Beckham's peculiar English, it would appear that he is (1) happy to be in America, which he has concluded is huge and patriotic; (2) he came for the challenge of growing the game of soccer; and (3) he's here for five years.

"I do have to perform on the pitch at a high level," Beckham said.

No, to do everything MLS wants him to do, Beckham will need to paint the field, parachute the ball in, sing the anthem, wash the uniforms and groom the dog.

In fact, if he does anything as boring as kick a soccer ball around, his appeal will diminish with every touch.

Certainly for the money he is being paid, Beckham will have to be Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, John Elway and Brad Pitt in one.

The starting All-Star lineup (with forward Juan Pablo Angel making $1.5 million) earns a total of $3.5 million in annual salary among the lot of them, and the whole team $5.9 million.

Compare that with Beckham's $6.5 million — at $32.5 million over five years, but it could reach $250 million with profit-sharing and sponsorship deals — and not only is one player who has yet to touch toe to ball paid more than the best of the league, he makes A-Rod's baseball salary gap look like tip money.

But, of course, we just do not understand soccer.

lincicomeb@RockyMountainNews.com

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