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Lincicome: New rules are making NBA something it's not

Published November 6, 2006 at midnight

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New NBA rules have cost the Nuggets one basketball game already, the first one when Carmelo Anthony was ejected for frowning, or maybe it was gasping. Tsk. Tsk. Mustn't do that.

A lesson learned is a lesson earned. There is a new sheriff in town, and in the arena, so that to be in the NBA you must be a solid citizen, an obedient player and keep your shirt tucked in.

This goes for fans, too. Applaud politely, please. And ignore the scoreboard that urges you to GET LOUD!

Fans may not agitate and players may not aggravate. Cream cakes will be served with tea in the parlor.

There are so many new rules, certainly some of them will be violated out of ignorance, such as not ripping your warm-ups off when you come into a game. I have not read the actual ordinance, but I am guessing you must fold and crease your clothing, leave it on your chair and check your appearance for extra long nose hair.

This is supposed to speed up the game, though how taking your warm-ups off at your chair is any quicker than ripping them off as you stride toward the scorer's table is unclear. What it really means is, do not call attention to yourself.

No more long tights under your shorts either, or those long compression socks, which do look stupid. That's the players. As far as I know, fans may still dress anyway they like, except they may not mock tonsorially any more than they may verbally.

A fan in Orlando, Fla., was ejected from the arena for a racial slur of Dikembe Mutombo. His season tickets were revoked and he was banned from all NBA games for the rest of the season.

This seems reasonable. Right here in Denver, former Nuggets coach Dan Issel was essentially removed from the NBA forever for a similar indiscretion, hurling an ethnic insult at a fan.

The great Detroit brawl that got Ron Artest kicked out of the league for most of a season resorted to physical violence, including folding chairs. So everyone agrees that a little more civility should be encouraged.

To that end, the NBA now bans handguns. For its players. I assume stadium security screening takes care of the fans.

It is scary to think that there has to be a rule about this. Or to imagine that, before this rule, NBA players were packing. But there was an incident with Indiana's Stephen Jackson, who fired a handgun five times outside a strip club.

Jackson is facing charges of criminal recklessness while giving new meaning to the designation, shooting guard.

NBA commissioner David Stern acknowledged that he does not relish being a "detention monitor," that is, enforcing silly rules of conformity. But someone has to do it or the NBA would be made up of a bunch of individuals, and no one wants that.

Of all the sports, including golf, basketball is the most exposed, the players the least covered, no helmets, no pads, no bulky clothing, even if those baggy shorts are several sizes larger than is necessary.

So the little touches of individualism do seem a bit superfluous when the individual is so obviously uncovered. But Stern's keen eye has noticed how a player will take eccentricity too far.

Take wristbands. Once upon a time they were used to absorb sweat. Now they are used to show off. They become entire sleeves. No more. They must be uniform, 4 inches, one on each wrist, no layering, no pushing them up to the biceps. Gotta ruler?

And headbands. Two inches wide. No more. And, this seems really silly, only around the head. And no endorsements, even if you promise to give the league a cut.

What got Anthony in trouble in the opening game was his idea that disagreement is still allowed in America. Anyone who has passed through an airport lately knows that is not true. Everyone is guilty of something, even if it is only wearing shoes.

In the NBA, it means when you are deemed guilty when the referee blows his whistle. And when that happens, you must be meek. No negotiating, no disagreement, no lip, hardly the sort of attitude that founded this nation. America was born shaking its fist and throwing the tea overboard.

It is no surprise that even though the players mostly hate the new nonleather basketball, they must play with it. Disobedience is neither civil nor allowed.

Owners, the ones who put up the money, must obey also. No longer can an owner involve himself in timeout huddles or make a spectacle of himself in the stands, not a big problem for Stan Kroenke maybe, but a behavioral adjustment for, oh, Mark Cuban of Dallas.

Cuban proclaimed himself a disciple of Stern and promised to obey. Sarcasm must not yet be against the rules.

And the players still are allowed their tattoos. So far.