Crecente: Pirate-vs.-ninja debate rages

Published March 31, 2007 at midnight

Text size

More More Entertainment

More stories »

Pirate or ninja?

Don't think about it, just answer the question.

Pirate or ninja?

That's the beauty of one of the most colorful and passionate arguments that rages endlessly on the Internet these days: everyone has an opinion and no one is wrong.

Like all things truly great and born of the Internet, the origin of the pirates versus ninjas meme is shrouded in mystery - a mystery that reaches back five to six, maybe even nine to 10 years.

What is clear is that it possibly could be tied to the creation of the International Talk Like a Pirate Day and perhaps popularized by ninja sycophants REAL Ultimate Power: The Official Ninja Website!!!

However it started, the argument - like all great arguments - shows no sign of fading. That is most likely because with pirates versus ninjas, the less you know, the less historic knowledge you are armed with, the better off you will be in the long run.

It's sort of like discussing the manliness of Lee Majors or Chuck Norris, you don't want to get hung up with trifling things like facts or reality. In this debate you have to swing for the fences, max out the hyperbole.

"When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the earth down."

That kind of talk.

Me?

I'm firmly on the side of pirates.

They sail around in ships, they have pegs for legs, use salty language, drink rum by the gallon and load up their ample shoulders with pet parrots. (The lucky ones get the monkeys.)

It also helps that I occasionally get mistaken for one. (A pirate, not a monkey.)

I think it's the piratical facial hair and mane and not my salty language that fools people. At least I hope that's what it is.

And pirates are a noble lot. Sure they do the occasional pillaging and have this nasty habit of making people walk the plank, but they're regal, what with their facial hair and their peg-legs and their endless "Yo, ho ho-ing".

But ninjas. Ninjas are a devious lot.

I'm not up on their history but I'm sure it involves clubbing baby seals.

A short list of bad things about ninjas:

They are very sneaky.

They eat kittens.

They don't like you.

They are way less cool than pirates.

And then there's the spokesmen.

Pirates have the likes of Johnny Depp, Errol Flynn, Tyrone Power, Yul Brynner, Tommy Lee Jones, . . . I could go on and on. But ninjas, ninjas just have a quartet of pizza-chomping, valleyese-spewing mutant reptiles.

In the face of this broadside of insurmountable fact, stalwart ninja proponents always fall back to the sheer physicality of the debate.

What if, they always get around to asking in their devious way, a band of ninjas and a shipload of pirates were to cross in the middle of the night, who would win?

The answer, of course, is the pirates.

Pirates have ships, ships with cannons, whereas ninjas are just really sneaky.

Pirates have guns and swords and parrots and monkeys, and let's not forget those planks. But ninjas just have their curvy swords and throwing stars.

Most important it's a little- known fact that when placed in water ninjas sink like a sack of hammers. It must be all of those kittens they eat.Eye patch or black mask?

It's a question presidential candidates will be asked in New Hampshire, scholars will debate at universities worldwide and idle minds will contemplate until they pull the plug on the Internet. But what do you think?

• Pirate or ninja? Vote online at: RockyMountainNews.com/ drmn/spotlight

The secret is out

Last week we asked whether you intended to read the chart-topping self-help book, The Secret.

42.3% of voters said "Yes: It sounds like it offers a lot of good ideas."

57.7% of voters said "No: It's just a rewriting of Norman Vincent Peale's previous work."

Subscribe to the Rocky Mountain News