Tedium steals show from 'Legends!' stars

Lisa Bornstein, Rocky Mountain News

Published February 9, 2007 at midnight

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When it comes to the end of the world, I'm slightly less worried about global warming than I am about a 2027 tour of Legends! starring Jennifer Lopez and Heather Locklear. Any show post-Oklahoma! with an exclamation point should come with caveats in the program.

This James Kirkwood comedy (and I use that term loosely) is a sorry vehicle, preying on a public fascination with celebrity that extends to 20-year-old TV soaps. Originally, the stars were Broadway grand dames Mary Martin and Carol Channing, and even they didn't fare well with the show. Now we get Joan Collins and Linda Evans, and despite a few pleasures, it's a tedious evening.

Chief among them is how stunningly gorgeous Collins is at 73. If she's had plastic surgery, sign me up. (Evans' face, sadly, has undergone the kind of transformation that results in permanently pursed lips and little facial expression).

The show opens with a set out of The Producers, down to the fake show posters on the walls, where a struggling producer (Joe Farrell) is trying to con two faded movie stars (Collins and Evans) into reuniting for a Broadway play about battling divas. Of course, they are battling divas, both down on their luck but determined to keep up appearances. They meet in a borrowed luxury apartment with a borrowed maid (Tonye Patano, one of the show's brighter spots).

There is a long list of things wrong with this play, directed by John Bowab. There's the lengthy opening scene with only Farrell, conducting a series of phone calls in which we hear the other side through voice-overs. The second act opens with a similar scene - only this time, we only hear Farrell's voice, with no clear reason. Even a physical catfight, presumably what audiences expect to see, is hidden offstage.

There's a male stripper, brought in for no reason, except for the eye candy Will Holman provides, presumably to please this show's natural audience, straight women and gay men of a certain age. Even the script refers to drag queens, and it fulfills the idea of exaggerated (and none too kind) femininity, dressed in the 1980s big shoulders of Nolan Miller.

Collins does have style onstage, although she seems to be more potentially wicked than the script's sad jabs ("I thought she was in the Smithsonian"). Evans underplays her role, perhaps a virtue but a decidedly low-energy one. The rest of the cast seems to be trying to compensate, as is an overpowering sound design that makes the show about as intimate as a stadium.

The play throws in a few attempts at depth, from the fallen fortunes of the stars to diabetes and cancer. But it begins and ends on the cattiest of notes. Much as it loves the idea of divas, the play has no affection for women.

Legends!

• Grade: C-

• When and where: Legends! opens Tuesday. 8 p.m. Tuesday through Friday; 2 and 8 p.m. Saturday; 2 and 7:30 p.m. Sunday; special matinee at 2 p.m. Feb. 14 (through Feb. 18), Buell Theatre

• Tickets: $15-$60

• Information: 303-893-4100

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