Checking off the gift list

Van Walker, Special to the News

Published December 24, 2006 at midnight

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In the spirit of Christmas, here is my list of gifts for the NFL.

To Terry "Tank" Johnson: A hobby. Something quiet, like reading or knitting. Anything that doesn’t require marijuana, unlicensed weapons, ex-felons as bodyguards or probation violations.

To DeAngelo Hall: A visor, for the next time you face T.O.

To Albert Haynesworth: A Tickle-Me Elmo. Stomp this unprotected head with your cleats, and you might win the Congressional Medal of Freedom.

To Shawne Merriman: A clue. You got popped by the NFL ’roid cops. That’s like Danny Ocean getting caught by Barney Fife. Wasn’t there a Whizzinator available? Think, man!

To O.J. Simpson: A bigger rock to crawl under. I’d ask what you were thinking with that whole If I Did It book thingy, but you ate your last questioner with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

To LaDainian Tomlinson: A peer.

To Tom Brady: Receivers who don’t treat thrown passes like FEMA requests from New Orleans.

To Devin Hester: A drag-chute, for when you cross the goal line at Mach 5.

To Larry Johnson: One more thing to complain about. If fantasy football deity Priest Holmes hadn’t broken his neck, we wouldn’t know your name. And, yes, your offense is predictable. Can you name your receivers? Neither can we. Compared to you, Eric Dickerson was stoic.

To Brett Favre and Bill Cowher: A Magic 8-Ball, for crying out loud.

To the NFL: Some compassion for the little guy. Reasonably-priced fan seating should not require a friggin’ Sherpa . . .

To Matt Leinart and Edgerrin James: Some folding chairs until you get a real O-line. This way, the defense would have to actually step over something before coming after you.

To Michael Irvin: A wardrobe consultant. Trust me on this one – there’s a huge difference between keeping it real and keeping it really loud.

To Joe Gibbs: A general manager. Why, exactly, did you trade for T.J. Duckett? Ballast?

To Jim Mora Jr.: A muzzle. Talk about apples and trees . . .

To Marcus Vick: A stern lecture about age-appropriate behavior, followed by a Rodney King-style beatdown.

To Eli Manning: A different sibling. You will probably end up in the Hall of Pretty Good, like your dad; the problem is that your brother will likely end up in Canton.

To Jon Gruden: Some polish, because the luster has just about worn off that trophy you won a few years ago.

To Roy Williams, receiver: Some perspective. Remember whom you play for and shut your cake hole.

To Darrent Williams: Champ Bailey's jersey.

To Terrell Owens: An Emmy, a Tony and an Oscar. No drama queen should be without them.

To the rest Of us: Permission to watch football on Christmas Day, uninterrupted by all the little things that make us thankful that Christmas comes only once a year.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

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