America's next top quarterback

Matthew Hill, Special to the News

Published November 6, 2006 at midnight

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Editor's note: These would-be columnists were whittled down from 146 hopefuls in our Last Columnist Typing contest. One columnist is eliminated per week — a la Survivor — until one is left at the NFL season's end. The winner will cover an event alongside the pros.

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I know what I'm about to do isn't right. I know I'm guilty of generalizing half of the world's population. I know I'm not going to win many friends. I don't care. There's no denying the truth — girls are mean. They're constantly comparing themselves to others and trashing those they feel are more (fill in the blank) than them.

Don't believe me? Take this test. Watch television with your wife, girlfriend or sister and simply observe. Doesn't matter what they watch, if there's a girl who is even remotely attractive on screen, you can bet the attacks are coming. Body parts, eating habits, intellect . . . it's all fair game. Listen long enough, and you'd swear the only reason she would tune into America's Next Top Model or Laguna Beach is to complain. For women, trashing others is top-notch entertainment.

Things are different for guys. We don't need to rip others to make ourselves feel good. Sure.

The fact of the matter is guys like trashing others just as much, if not more than, your average Britney Spears-bashing girl. Our entire junior high and high school years were spent seeing just how much we could insult friends and those weaker than us before a fight would break out. Talking trash seems deeply ingrained in the male spirit. When we grow up and get real jobs, we suppress this desire to insult out of fear of being blamed for creating hostility at work. This is where the NFL comes in.

As much as we want to claim that we're NFL fans because we enjoy watching elite athletes compete, deep down we know that there's more to our love affair with the NFL than just competition. Like girls need models and beautiful actresses to jeer at, we need pro football players as a target for unleashing verbal attacks.

NFL players live the dream. They're larger-than-life men who drive hot cars and live in big houses, and date the models that raise the ire of our wives and girlfriends. The ones who drive the hottest cars, live in the biggest houses and date the skinniest models are the quarterbacks. And unless they bring us a Super Bowl win, we will find their faults.

Get bounced from the playoffs three seasons straight . . . blame the quarterback with the ugly beard. "For what he's paid, he should have won several rings by now. He needs to stop spending so much time with that cheerleader girlfriend and concentrate on being a better pocket passer. If he were half the quarterback Elway was . . . "

"It sure looks like Big Ben is content winning one title. Waste of talent. He's so selfish. I know Bradshaw wouldn't have rode without a helmet!"

We're guilty. We demand a winner and when we don't get it, the insults fly. It's the way it is, always has been, and always will be. Don't believe me? It wasn't that long ago when Elway was a horse-toothed bum who couldn't win the big game.

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