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Behind closed doors

Dave Christie, Special to the News

Published November 6, 2006 at midnight

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Editor's note: These would-be columnists were whittled down from 146 hopefuls in our Last Columnist Typing contest. One columnist is eliminated per week — a la Survivor — until one is left at the NFL season's end. The winner will cover an event alongside the pros.

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The post-game interview that never happened:

Plummer: Hey, it's the Snake here in the Steelers' locker room, talking with Ben Roethlisberger. Ben, what's it like to be punked in your own house and know that your season's over?

Roethlisberger: You should know. Does the AFC Championship game ring a bell?

Plummer: That's ancient history. We came in here and spanked you guys.

Roethlisberger: Look at this stat sheet! One of us passed for 227 yards and the other went for 433. Hmmm, I wonder which one's me?

Plummer: I've got two words for you, dude: score . . . board!

Roethlisberger: That's one word.

Plummer: Fine, Mr. English. A lot of good all those yards did you.

Roethlisberger: Jake, we lost, and I don't feel like talking about it. I won the Super Bowl last year, and now look at me. I'm a mess. Two touchdowns and seven picks in two weeks. That's pathetic.

Plummer: Number Seven . . . can I call you Number Seven?

Roethlisberger: No.

Plummer: Fine, I'll do this Chad Johnson style. Numero Siete, you have to chill out. Think about who you're talking to. I've been there. Heck, I was there this whole year, getting booed at home, people screaming for the backup guy. My coach didn't trust me. After the first game he dumbed down the offense so much that Jessica Simpson could have run it. And now look at me.

Roethlisberger: Yeah, well, look at me. We were marching up and down the field all day on you guys, and I blew it. I don't know what's happening. I drop back, and as soon as I get a little pressure on me, I panic and throw the ball up for grabs.

Plummer: That sounds familiar. When I was watching you today, it was like I went to a game and my evil twin was playing quarterback. Like that first pick, when we blitzed and you threw it off of your back foot right to Champ? I have sooooo done that.

Roethlisberger: Did you catch how I yelled at the receiver to make it look like he ran the wrong route and it was his fault?

Plummer: This is only your third year, and that's a total fifth-year move.

Roethlisberger: I'm a quick learner.

Plummer: Anyway, that second pick, when you rolled right and threw against your body into double coverage and Champ grabbed it? That was patented "Bad Jake." Seriously, you owe me royalties.

Roethlisberger: Why didn't I see you doing that stuff today? I saw how you started out this season. You were brutal.

Plummer: That's how I roll. I've been giving coaches acid reflux for 10 years. It was awesome today, but Bad Jake's always warming up on the sideline, waiting to get in the game.

Roethlisberger: No, the guy warming up is Jay Cutler. You know, first-round pick, your coach traded up to get him.

Plummer: Whatever. See you in the playoffs. I'm sorry. I mean you'll see me in the playoffs.

Roethliberger: You're a jerk.