We're No. 32!

Dave Christie, Special to the News

Published October 2, 2006 at midnight

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I'm going to throw up.

My vision is blurry. My head hurts. All because I was committed to use this Broncos bye week to determine the worst teams in the NFL.

Thanks to a pricey satellite TV package and the wonders of TiVo, I got a firsthand look at how bad it can get. Oh, the penalties! Ooh, the interceptions! Oh, the hours of my life that I'll never get back!

After thorough research, to the detriment of my personal well-being, here are teams 30 through 32. The creme de la crap.

Note: While Tampa Bay is now the least spleened team in the league, with only 52 of the organs on their 53-man roster, the Bucs do not compare to these winless wonders.

No. 30 Detroit Lions

If history was taken into account, there would be no contest. One playoff victory since 1957, period. Detroit seems determined to let the bad times roll this year. New coach, new quarterback, same Lions. To their credit, this was the most entertaining game of the three. Detroit scored 31 points in St. Louis, which brings the number of things that the Broncos wish they could do like the Lions to one. Yet they still managed to lose the game, thanks to a defense that offered up the same resistance as butterscotch pudding.

No. 31 Oakland Raiders

During the broadcast of this Dumpster Bowl, where the winless Raiders took on the winless Browns on Sunday, one of the Black Hole's face-painted and shoulder-padded finest held up his "We're No. 1!" finger for the camera. I do give the guy credit for having the dexterity to hold up one digit on his hand that is not his middle finger, obviously thanks to some court-ordered anger management classes. However, I sincerely hope that he was also holding up the thirty fingers on his other hand, keeping it out of camera range because he's a little self-conscious about this unusual appendage. Oakland took a 21-3 lead in the second quarter, and Al Davis stained his sweatsuit in excitement. The Raiders then remembered that they're the Raiders, gave up 21 unanswered points and order was restored to the universe.

No. 32 Tennessee Titans

Who are these guys? Yes, you know Vince Young and LenDale White, but only for their college accomplishments. You're very familiar with Pacman Jones if you live in Nashville and own a police scanner. But now the Titans have a name and a face. Albert Haynesworth. All Prince Albert did on Sunday was stomp on the head of a helmet-less Dallas Cowboy, opening cuts that required stitches to close. Unconfirmed reports had Bill Romanowski calling Haynesworth requesting his reputation back. The Titans lost 45-14, but Haynesworth's actions make me wish there were 99 teams in the league so I can rank them at 100.

There they are, the worst of the worst. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm grabbing an ice pack and some Pepto Bismol and crawling back to bed.

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