Hessler gaining bit by bit

Clay Latimer, Rocky Mountain News

Thursday, September 27, 2007

BRIGHTON - John Hessler is sitting in a cozy recliner in his living room, sipping on a Diet Dr Pepper.

But in his mind, he is hundreds of miles away, in Norman, Okla. It is Sept. 30, 1995, again, and he is in an infallible groove, throwing five touchdown passes in his first start for the University of Colorado, leading the Buffaloes to a 38-17 rout of No. 10 Oklahoma before 75,000 startled fans, then celebrating with teammates in a heap in the end zone.

It's all there on an aging ESPN videotape - past glories rushing in front of him like an old dream.

"I'll never forget that day. Everything seemed to go right for me," he said.

Nothing comes effortlessly anymore to Hessler. Twelve years later, he shuffles through long and repetitious days on a metal walker, struggling to find the self he lost in a hit-and-run accident that left him in a monthlong coma almost four years ago.

During a wrenching recovery that felt like one long, bad night, Hessler, 33, had to learn to stand, walk and maneuver his way through everyday life again. His cognitive skills gradually have returned, and today he lives with his younger brother, Jason, in a Brighton condominium filled with photos and mementos from his CU career.

He prepares his own meals, charms friends with his wisecracking wit and can tick off plays and arcane statistics from long-ago games.

But his short-term memory remains fuzzy. He writes notes to remind himself of routine tasks and friends know that what they discussed with Hessler the night before might be erased from his memory by morning - such as the Drew Barrymore character in 50 First Dates, one of his favorite movies.

"That's exactly my life," said Hessler, who eagerly awaits the CU-Oklahoma game Saturday. "If I have to meet someone, I have to write it down. If I have to tell someone something, I have to write it down."

Hessler, once a professional baseball and football prospect, is petrified of standing and walking without help - "I go into a big panic," he said - and shies from simple backyard games such as playing catch with his 9-year-old son, Devin.

"I could throw the ball 60 yards once," he said. "It's just not the same."

But his biggest burden is the depression and anxiety that are symptoms of severe brain injury. As his thinking gradually came back into focus, so did a maddening sense of unfairness - and of a missed fate.

"There is definitely a before and after in my life," he said. "I'm still looking for the after. That's what kills me. The weirdest thing is that there is nothing wrong with me personally. I can sit down with anyone and have a good conversation. But the depression is the hard part."

Added his mother, June Hessler: "He thinks he will never work again. I keep saying, 'You're going to be a taxpayer again, you're going to be a taxpayer again.' He has no choice. He has to start thinking that way or he's going to stay in the same rut. I just know it's going to evolve. I just know it. We're not giving up on him. It's just the negativism in him. He is angry; he is angry at what he lost."

Battled long odds

What lingers in the memory is how ordinary that autumn night seemed.

Hessler, a seventh-grade social studies teacher at Vikan Middle School in Brighton and an assistant football coach for Regis High School at the time, was driving on Interstate 76 on Oct. 19, 2003, when a Chevrolet Blazer clipped his Honda Accord, sending it across a median and into the path of a pickup truck.

The driver and passenger of the Blazer fled and never were found. Hessler was slumped over and not breathing when a passer-by crawled through the wreckage and lifted Hessler's head to restore his air passage.

"He says he's angry with (the men who hit him)," June Hessler said. "I say, 'What are you going to do if you ever run into them on the street? You're not going to do anything. You can't live in the past.' "

The elements that dominated Hessler's life before the accident - football, family, his CU friends - consumed it afterward.

Emerging from a 33-day coma, Hessler called out football plays. Informed after fully regaining consciousness it was a Friday, he said, "I've got a football game tonight. I don't think I'm going to make it."

Before the accident, Hessler carried his Regis playbook with him everywhere; during his recovery, his family read it to him.

"He would have been a really good coach. I know he would have been," his mother said.

Added Hessler: "I think the kids enjoyed having me around. I hope I was nice. I think I was."

His family did everything it could to aid his recovery. The Hesslers were there when his weight plummeted to 143 pounds and the odds against his survival soared; when surgeons implanted a titanium plate in his skull; and when he entered a Boulder rehabilitation center to learn how to get himself ready for a day.

They fined him $5 every time he said "I can't" and made him write "I am going to get well" every morning. And they helped him through dark funks such as the one he drifted into on a recent summer night, when he and his mother talked in his living room, the air thick with ifs and what-ifs.

June: "Why don't you try? Are you afraid to fail? Everyone fails."

John: "I have failed."

June: "We've had this conversation many times."

John: "People have no idea how hard it is to let go of what I used to have."

June: "But how do you know you can't do something again?"

John: "Like what?"

Support from CU

"They've been through the ringer," said former Colorado coach Bill McCartney, who recruited Hessler in 1993, when he was an all-state quarterback and pitcher at Brighton High School. "I mean, really, every emotion known to man, they've been through. He's fought depression; he's fought really desperate feelings. When he has his down days, when he's struggling, it just tears his mother's heart out. But she's not going anywhere."

Hessler's former CU teammates and coaches also closed ranks. McCartney led a prayer session in the hospital and later counseled Hessler during difficult times.

Arriving from Seattle a week later was former CU coach Rick Neuheisel, the University of Washington's coach at the time and now a Baltimore Ravens assistant. He invited Hessler to join him for a preseason game each of the past two summers.

Broncos tackle Matt Lepsis, who spent the night at the hospital after the accident, keeps in regular contact with Hessler. Sports information director Dave Plati meets him for lunch a couple of times a month. And CU alumnus Gary Gisle introduced him to hippotherapy, a type of therapeutic horseback riding Hessler enthusiastically embraced.

"His CU friends have stuck with him," June Hessler said.

For more than two years, Hessler steadily appeared to be regaining his footing. In 2004, he made a special appearance at CU's homecoming game; in 2006, he served as an assistant baseball coach at Brighton and was training for a volunteer job at a correctional facility.

But his recovery started to stall. In September 2006, he moved into a rehabilitation center for a few months, then back in with his brother. Unable to work or drive, spending much of his time watching television, his frustration turned into misery.

"I don't even dream anymore," he said. "I mean, I haven't had a dream in years. At least I don't remember having any dreams."

'Definitely a people person'

After the accident, Jason moved from Fort Collins to Brighton to help John. The arrangement occasionally leads to moments of mutual exasperation as Jason discovered while overhearing John advise a Little League pitcher who'd had a bad outing.

"He was telling him, 'You need to ask the coach if you can pitch the next game. Get that taste out of your mouth,' " he said. "I'm hearing John say that and I think, 'John, you've got to do the same thing.' We can get him all the help in the world. But if he doesn't want to do it. . . . Who's to say if he's going to get better? We have no idea.

"There are a lot of unknowns. The hardest part is worrying: 'Will he get the willpower?' It's so difficult. But the one thing about John . . . is that people enjoy being around him. We go to get him a haircut and he's got everyone in there cracking up. He's definitely a people person."

Worn down from years of trauma and fear, the family reached out to the CU community. McCartney met with Hessler. McCartney's wife, Lyndi, counseled Hessler's mother.

"She's been my guardian angel through all of this," June Hessler said.

Neuheisel also encouraged Hessler, falling back into his role from a decade earlier. On the surface, it appeared Neuheisel and Hessler were at odds during his playing days, an image driven home in the 1997 Michigan game, when Neuheisel screamed at his senior quarterback on national TV.

"Behind closed doors, he'd turn my butt purple, man," Hessler said. "When he yelled at me, it wasn't a yell, it was a scream. But it fired me up, trust me. He's a great guy."

Neuheisel looked out for Hessler. In 1994, when the quarterback overslept and missed the walk-through on the morning of the Oklahoma game, Neuheisel didn't tell McCartney.

Beneath it all, though, Neuheisel wondered if Hessler possessed the gravity and focus to run the team, nicknaming him "Alfred E. Neuman" - a reference to the MAD Magazine cover boy.

But Hessler was all business when Koy Detmer went down with a knee injury during the first quarter against Texas A&M in 1995. He helped lead the Buffaloes to a 29-21 win and won the honor of Big Eight Conference Offensive Player of the Week.

A week later, he destroyed Oklahoma with his school-record passing performance, endearing himself to CU fans with his swagger and powerful arm.

Though Hessler's senior season two years later ended in disappointment, when the Buffaloes finished 5-6, he and Neuheisel kept in touch, talking as much as six times a months during summer 2006.

"I was trying to chew him out and at the same time tell him he's got a lot to live for and all that stuff," Neuheisel said. "And we were talking about football and it was obvious that he still had this huge passion for football. So I said, 'Why don't you come out and watch us play and I'll get you set up in the box. We're playing Koy Detmer's team in preseason and we'll surprise him.' He lit up like a Christmas tree."

For two days, Hessler joined the Ravens in team meetings, film sessions, meals.

"It was a sweet time," Hessler said.

But the best part was joining Neuheisel in the coaches' box.

"I'm giving our play-caller information. And John's sitting right behind me, tapping me on the shoulder, telling me what the free safety is doing," Neuheisel said. "So I said, 'You didn't know what the free safety did when you played, so why would you know now?' "

The conversation took a less jocular turn back at the Ravens team hotel.

"We ended up spending the night," Neuheisel said. "I told him, 'It's easy to say, "Poor me." But you can't stay inside the box. You have to look outside, at how fortunate you are. You're still alive. You were John Doe for six hours. You were in a coma for 30 some days. You have a son you're really proud of. I mean, you have things a lot of people would pay a lot of money for.' "

As the conversation wound down, Neuheisel made a promise to Hessler.

"I told him that if I got in position to hire him in some capacity, I'd be darn glad to do so. We're looking to having that chance someday," he said.

Nine months ago, Gisle persuaded Hessler to try hippotherapy, which uses the natural movements of a horse as a tool for physical and emotional therapy.

Although Hessler never had been on a horse, he quickly overcame his fears while at the Colorado Therapeutic Riding Center in Longmont, guiding a big Thoroughbred through an obstacle-filled ring. Surrounded by friends, his face lifted to the sun, everything else seemed like background debris.

"I don't think John Hessler has ever had an enemy," Neuheisel said. "He was quick to laugh. He was quick to take the blame. He had a lot of humility. Everybody loved having him around. So in a time of need, it was easy to see that a lot of people would rally around him. I love that kid. He's a wonderful person. He's going to be a very, very productive citizen. He just needs to stay positive, and stay focused on all the good things that are still to come."

Season in the sun

Although John Hessler had thrown only 15 passes in mop-up duty during the first three games in 1995, he was forced to carry Colorado on his untested shoulders after Koy Detmer was injured. What he did is part of school legend.

• Replaces Detmer during the first quarter against No. 3 Texas A&M and runs for two touchdowns and throws for 177 yards and one touchdown in a 29-21 home win.

• Helps beat No. 10 Oklahoma in Norman, Okla., the next weekend with a school-record five touchdown passes in a 38-17 win.

• Ties his record with five touchdown passes during a 45-32 win at Oklahoma State.

• Throws for two touchdowns in a Cotton Bowl win against Oregon.

• Finishes ranked No. 2 in the Big 12 Conference in total offense (204.2 yards a game), 14th in NCAA Division I-A in quarterback rating and sets a school record with 20 touchdown passes.

latimerc@RockyMountainNews.com