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Feldman vs. Haim: The Showdown

Michael Mehle and Alex Neth, Rocky Mountain News

Published August 1, 2007 at midnight

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The good news: The two Coreys are back together and on TV each week. The bad news: Some brainiac decided their story needed a twist, and they've come up with a "fauxality" concept that blurs the line between fiction and the real deal.

As if the story of Corey Feldman and Corey Haim needs punching up.

The conceit behind The Two Coreys (8 p.m. Sunday on A&E): The single Haim moves in with the married Feldman and his wife for a You, Me & Dupree-like story arc in which they try to kick-start their careers 20 years after the halcyon days of The Lost Boys, Dream a Little Dream and License to Drive.

Yes, they're inexorably linked, but we all know that the Coreys are not created equal. So who's really riding the Corey coattails in this relationship? Let the debate begin:

FELDMAN

Don't let dimples sway you in a debate of such staggering importance. 'Cause when you strip this Clash of the Coreys down to its soul, that's all Haim has to hang his hat on. Sure, he was eye candy for kid sis, but talk about empty calories. Feldman - oh, sweet cinematic train wreck - brought a full-course meal of Hollywood weirdness to the table from Day One. And we ate it up with a spoon.

While Haim was making a career of mugging it up, his better half was tapping into a bottomless reservoir of pathos and peculiarities. Sure, he pilfered from Michael Jackson's closet, but he also testified against his friend, telling authorities that Jacko once showed him a book about venereal diseases. "I was kind of grossed out by it," the wounded Feldman said.

And yet he persevered.

He's fought the good fight (he started an online petition for a sequel to The Goonies), and he's found domestic happiness. Or did you forget that the last time we saw Feldman he was being married on the Surreal Life - by MC Hammer, no less?

And we all know that when Hammer enters the picture, the debate's over.

Be sure to collect your parting gift on the way out the door, Haim. It's a copy of Feldman's 2002 CD, Former Child Actor, by the way.

- Michael Mehle

HAIM

You're gonna hear some talk that, when it comes to Coreys, the Feldman tops the Haim. Don't believe a word of it.

How is this even a debate? On the one hand, you have the hobbit-esque, eternally greasy Feldman, star of such Oscar bait as Bikini Bandits Go to Hell and Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys. Even those early leads that built his false celebrity were ugly, annoying, unlovable characters. You rooted for Kiefer Sutherland's switchblade in Stand by Me. Don't lie.

The Haim showed depth. Like when he played the wheelchair kid in Silver Bullet. You've gotta have serious acting chops to bring pathos to a werewolf flick. And how about his star turn in the critically acclaimed Lucas? The Haim wasn't some wannabe Michael Jackson riding the bumper of someone else's star vehicle - you know, like the Feldman did in The Lost Boys and License to Drive. The Haim was a genuine phenomenon, a spiky-haired Olivier for the Aqua Net set.

He also won the inevitable career meltdown. Sure, the Feldman turned to drugs, pornography and vegetarianism. But did he have an 85-tab-per- day Valium habit like the Haim? That, friends, is what makes a star.

- Alex Neth

What Feldman accomplished without the otherCorey:

Accepted roles in such vehicles as Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go! and My Life As a Troll

Made multiple appearances on Hollywood Squares and The Howard Stern Show.

Recorded three albums, including Love Left and Still Searching for Soul.

What Haim accomplished without the otherCorey:

Accepted roles in such direct-to-video vehicles as Snowboard Academy, Demolition High and Demolition University

Was the subject of an E! True Hollywood Story

Was the inspiration for a song by Irish band The Thrills, titled Whatever Happened to Corey Haim?

Argggh, ye demon ratings

All the scantily clad buccaneer booty and cleavage couldn't save Pirate Master, which CBS unceremoniously cut adrift last week. Those who care who won - the ratings showed there weren't many of you - can catch the final five episodes on cbs.com, where a new show is streamed every Tuesday morning. CBS had high hopes when it premiered the show in Survivor's old time period - on the seventh anniversary of Survivor's debut. But Survivor creator Mark Burnett couldn't create as much interest in the treasure- hunting show. "I don't understand why it's not working," he told reporters at the Television Critics Association summer press tour.

Second helpings

It was better news last week for Hell's Kitchen and So You Think You Can Dance. Fox renewed both of them after they averaged 8 million and 9 million viewers, respectively, each week.