Channeling time

Tune in to television's eclectic New Year's Eve fare

Lisa Bornstein, Rocky Mountain News

Published December 30, 2005 at midnight

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That's right, I have New Year's plans. If I can make it through the next 24 hours without ticking him off, I might even have someone to kiss.

But that doesn't mean he can come between my first love and me. If he wants to join in, though, that's just fine. Nothing like a little television to put the spark back in your love life.

Now, normally, I believe there's nothing better than the static electricity that occurs between a woman and her television on New Year's Eve. Fireworks are for summertime; getting drunk on New Year's is like ordering the baby back ribs at Chili's - it's been done.

But TV? That's forever.

Click, click, click

• Tsunami 2004: Waves of Death 6 p.m., Discovery - Dude. Buzzkill. I could see marking the anniversary on Dec. 26, but it's New Year's Eve now. Could you let us have some fun?

• America's Tsunami: Are We Next? 7 p.m., Discovery - Apparently not.

• The Blues 7 p.m. KBDI-Channel 12

So nobody wants you happy tonight. One of our PBS affiliates brings back Ken Burns' acclaimed documentary, including Blind Willie Johnson, who wrote this party tune:

Lord, I just can't keep from crying sometimes

When my heart's full of sorrow and my eyes are filled with tears

Lord, I just can't keep from crying sometimes

Party on, Garth.

• A Panda Is Born 6 p.m., Animal Planet - At least someone is offering us tears of joy. Animal Planet serves up a New Year's Eve full of baby cuteness, beginning with the birth of Tai Shan at the National Zoo, and followed at 7 by a penguin hatching in Oregon - so apparently it's a black-tie affair.

• Hooked: Illegal Drugs and How They Got That Way 6 p.m., The History Channel - Buzzkill Part II, the Literal Edition. Last year, History gave us the salacious history of sex, narrated by the appropriately skeevy Peter Coyote. This year, we get drugs. From 6 p.m. into the night, History is giving us documentaries on cocaine, marijuana, methamphetamines, opium, morphine and heroin. Hey, stop sniffing that TV screen - you'll go blind.

• Monty Python's Flying Circus 6 p.m., BBC America - Those Brits get how to do a lonely New Year's. Right up until the midnight hour, you can watch silly walks, parliamentary battles and the Spanish Inquisition. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Consider yourself forewarned.

• Kathy Griffin: Allegedly 8 p.m., Bravo - You think you had a bad year? Comedian Kathy Griffin filed for divorce from her husband and this month lost her gig with E! Remember better days with her in this stand-up show from 2004.

• Women's Hockey: U.S. at Canada 7 p.m., CSTV - Girlfight!

• The Village - 8:05 p.m., Starz West - Mysterious, terrifying creatures beset a colonial-style village in this M. Night Shyamalan flick. The secret: Bruce Willis is dead! Oops, sorry, wrong one.

• Dick Clark's Primetime New Year's Rockin' Eve 2006 10:35 p.m., Denver's 7 - He's back! And earlier than ever, as Clark teams up with entertainment spawn Ryan Seacrest (what is his talent, again?) for a glorified music video show before the real Times Square event begins.

• Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve 2006 11:35 p.m., Denver's 7 - See that apostrophe on "rockin' "? That's how you know it's cool. It also already happened, two hours ago in New York. Damn the time-zone hegemony!

But half of this show comes from Los Angeles - does that mean that what we're watching hasn't actually happened yet? I wish I'd paid closer attention in physics. Or even taken physics. Or phys-ed, for that matter.

Hollywood performers include 311, Sean Paul, Chris Brown, the Bangles, the Pussycat Dolls, 3 Doors Down, Sugarland and host Hilary Duff's giant teeth. In New York, Mariah Carey is scheduled to perform. I think she'll be cold.

• New Year's Eve with Carson Daly 11:30 p.m., 9News - Featuring Mary J. Blige, Wanda Sykes, Brian Williams and Diddy. Someone here does not belong.

• New Year's Eve Live 11 p.m., KDVR-Channel 31 - Am I supposed to be impressed that this show is live? Is there a point to a taped New Year's Eve countdown? This one has Regis Philbin as host, with Jillian Barberie, Nick Cannon, Donald Trump, Carrie Underwood and John O'Hurley.

Is this the state of American celebrity? Fifty dollars to anyone with any sort of star magic around them. Twenty-five to anyone who has not been on a reality show. That's what I thought.

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